On being, and not being.

On being and not being.

Sometimes I get so frustrated at this girl, looking like me only less graceful than I should think I ought to be, and more awkward (than I like to think I am..) and I become angry. I become angry because she’s doing it all wrong, and what’s worse, she has taken focus away from Him and distracted my vision and even my thoughts. Who does she think she is? Blasted girl.

I get so mad that I walk right up to her and with pent up aggression and I push her, two hands and angry brow, right on out of my way. There! Now I can see Him clearly and all is right with the world.

Wrong.

In that funny rebuke-style fashion (funny in the ‘oh, I should have known much better than that’ sort of way) Jesus looks disappointed in what I’ve done, sad even, as if He were being told He’d have be crucified again for the 89023438^th time. And as if to say with His eyes, “Why would you do that to my friend?” Like I had just lay my hands on Him and done the very deed to Jesus Himself. And he walked up to the girl and gave her His Hand, pulled her up and dusted her off. He lead her back to where she was standing and let her keep watching Him.

This is what blew my mind.

He didn’t leave me standing there to watch her. He came to me and pulled me forward sort of into the girl like she were a hologram and so was I, but when we met, we became real. And then He said, “This is the girl I redeemed. And this is the girl I will keep redeeming.”

So that girl, the one who I was, is redeemed and beautiful and I cannot leave her behind. I cannot be someone I’m not or never was. She is a part of me, only now she's new and better. So we are the same. Only I have to learn to live life now with her and with me. Awkward, but loved; Broken but new.

scales and truths

If you have still have scales in your eyes, I must look pretty distorted and strange. I don't like appearing that way, but hey, I don't suppose Jesus likes what He's become to Americans (among others) either. What does life look like through scale-covered vision? I remember. I used to have them too. Doesn't look too clear, or bright. The bright that I saw was some shade of grey, maybe black. I can't be certain. I don't care. I'll help you take them out if you want.

Scales are meant for snakes but you readily accept them as your own. What's that? You can't see them? Oh. I wonder why. You need a new frame of reference.

Strange, you may say, to put all my hope in a God I've never seen, and a man who lived 2,000 years ago whom even the demons called The Christ. What's that you say? You don't believe demons exist? Oh. Do you believe the Bible is Truth? Scales. They must be big ones. Or maybe they look like rose-colored glass. I suppose the world looks a lot prettier without Truth. Yes, a lot prettier; only a lie.

How is it that the demons knew, but His very own people couldn't get out of their own way to see. How is it that His people believed in demon-posession but didn't believe in a God who would send a Savior to set them free. Scales, I suppose. Or something like that.

Truths I never knew I could believe in:

1. When I pray, God listens.

2. God talks back when I get out of my own way long enough to HEAR.

3. We were created to worship God. I mean face-to-floor, praise-the-Savior worship.

4. God knows exactly who I am, and He loves me anyway.

5. The same power that rose Jesus from death after 3 days dwells in me, and through Him, that same power exists today.

6. I can use that power to glorify it's Creator.

7. I have a big responsibility.

This is the deal. I live this life for Jesus Christ, not because I'm weak and need a feel-good friend to pick me up. It doesn't feel good all the time to live for someone else, trust me. But this is not about me. Or you. Don't you see? See for his namesake. It never was. But I've never been so alive, never known such a joy.

I want so badly to be like Jesus. To hear God say, 'This is my beloved daughter, in whom I am well-pleased'. And I look at Jesus so I can be like him.

I see it like this.

I sink a lot, lose faith in myself, but I can walk on water, too. The reason why I start to sink? It looks sort of like this. I watch Him in marvel, standing on that water, He's beautiful and perfect, and He knows the Love of the Father. But then this girl who looks a whole lot like me walks up, wobbly and weird. She stands right in between Jesus and me. We're still on the water. And she tries to do what He's doing but she looks awkward and silly. And I keep staring at her, pick out everything she's doing wrong until I start telling myself that she's not worthy to stand there on that water with Jesus, because really, she's not. The difference is, He tells me I am. And when she starts to sink, my eyes follow her down instead of remaining on the perfect One. And down I go. And I end up getting in my own way. And the ashes weigh more than the beauty, so I sink with her; "You of little faith, why did you doubt?"

But He's still there in front of me, waiting, saying follow me. He'll never leave me alone.

You may call me a dreamer. Maybe I am. But this is reality.

I don't know if this is finished.

I have an over-sized bathtub in my one bedroom apartment. I'll call it a garden tub, yes, a garden tub that's over-sized, and overused. Last night, I tip-toed into the bathtub with approximately 4 books about God, a notebook, my journal, my Bible, and an audio Bible playing on my CD player.

I didn't become aware of what I was doing until I had done it. And it looked like the efforts a little girl might make to feel part of something bigger. And before I knew it, everything in me was crying out. Every part of my body hurt as I longed for Him. Like what felt like tiny golden chords tied to every pore on my skin that began in Heaven and ended on my skin. And I felt every one of them being pulled so gently, but not enough.

Maybe I thought the more books I had to look at and the more places I had to write about Him would calm the desire inside my heart. And I think He looked at me and smiled at my pathetic attempt to show Him my heart.

Maybe it was a sad sort of smile, because He knows my heart and how it longs. And He must have laughed a little to himself, at this little creature He had made, with her strange mind and funny symbolism. And I think He must have been close, because as much pain as I felt from missing something that I couldn't quite have enough of, I want to feel it all the days I breathe life on this earth. And I cried. Oh how I cried. And it wasn't a few tears falling down my face. It was the sort of hyperventilation cry that happens upon little girls when they want something so bad and they've been told they can't have it.

Wait. Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying I can't have God. Oh, I have Him alright. I have more than I thought I ever could. But this, it's a supernatural sort of longing in my spirit, and it won't be satisfied until my body is able to withstand all of Him it longs for. Which in turn, means I'll never be satisfied until I become supernatural myself. When I die.

So I'm crying and feeling and loving and thinking. And I remember asking God,

Are these the tears You cry as You long for Your people? Because it feels like something like that might feel. Are these the tears You cry when You long to lead your children home, but CAN'T because we'd like to choose death instead?

And we willingly hammer those nails in Your hands and Your feet, and we make a crown from thorns, and push it into the flesh of Your Son. And then we walk away, too little faith and too much greed to wait around and see a miracle happen three days later; after all, we've got other idols to tend.

there is no title.

Sometimes you don't know that you don't know, until you know.

Sometimes I want to move somewhere new, just to know that I'm not settling somewhere I'm not meant to be. Wait, what does that mean? To be meant for something specific? Couldn't I do God's work wherever I end up? I don't believe in all that destiny, soul-mate nonsense either.

Sometimes I want to move into an old apartment above an old city that I've never been. And glide across the old hardwood floors and run my hands down the walls and fall with the peeling paint. And then walk to my big window, and it would open just the way windows used to open, from the inside out with no screen, and I'd meet the world from my safe place everyday. And I'd watch the people and secretly pray for them and play Jason Upton too loud until the neighbors started to complain. And then I'd leave my computer on all day and play scriptures and maybe something would happen in that invisible sort of God way, and someone's life might be touched. And at Christmas I'd string christmas lights around the window and sip coffee at my desk in the dark and play my scriptures on my computer, and I'd seek what I'm looking for. Sweet Jesus.

The Dawn

When I walk through life and arrive in places like October 31st through November 11th, God shows up sort of like a big golden flashlight (i'm so cheesy).

OK, listen. I don't like comparing God's Light to the light of a flashlight. Because when I think of flashlights, I see an ugly black-ribbed piece of plastic with a tiny lightbulb, that emits only enough light to expose one's own shadow lurking in the dark.

And that's liable to scare someone like me into a premature heart attack.

But this flashlight, God's flashlight is not for exposing shadows. I'm not even the one holding it or directing the light in the direction I think I need to walk. It's just a bright light that's going ahead of me, whispering follow Me, and we'll make it out of here.

And as we walk further, it sort of looks the moon in the darkened sky might look. And it's cold and my feet hurt, and I'm thirsty. And very hungry. And I cry to God but it seems like He doesn't hear me at all. And I look around, and no one's there. Just me, a ground full of rocks and broken glass, and a big moon up ahead.

So I walk in the only direction I can. It's like a siren calling me, and I almost can't control my body anymore. Because if I could, i'd probably be on the ground half-dead.

And soon I can see the dawn rising there ahead of me. With the most beautiful colors streaking across the sky. Colors I've never known before. I can't even remember how I got here. It doesn't matter. My feet don't hurt anymore. What are feet? Like my body doesn't exist and nothing else matters; All there is, is LIGHT. And I can't stand the glorious beauty, and before I realize what's next, I'm on my knees in awe, praising the One who painted it.

And it's here I realize that I'd never have gotten to see it if I hadn't gone through the night without sleeping.

REMEMBER

Written for my grandfather. Read at his funeral November 3rd, 2010.

A short time ago, or maybe a long time ago (time feels different here), God let me be part of a blessed conversation that would offer comfort and peace, and laughter and tears. It happened in my grandfather's living room. Grandpa, Mom, Dad, Daniel, Thomas and I were sitting in Grandpa's home. We were talking about the new floors he just had put in to that old house. I can recall the words renting and selling; or we could have been talking about something else, but that’s not the part I remember. And then my grandpa said, “Well, you know; when I leave here, ya’ll can rent out the house, you might be able to get something out of it.”

“Leave? Well, where are you going?” My mom said. My grandpa just looked at her. He looked at us all.

Like the answer to that question had already been carved into his heart and pumped through his veins with every new breathe he took.

"Where am I going?" He stated, matter-of-factly, finger pointed upward to the Heavens “Well, I'm goin' Up Yonder!” And we all laughed and today I smile and cry, because God gave this conversation to us to remember on this day.

But sometimes it’s hard to look at situations like these and hear words put together by people who might not understand, for a purpose they probably don't fully grasp (I know I don't), when they say “He’s in a better place,” and then I'm supposed tell my mind and my heart that today is a day to rejoice. Because we are earthly-minded creatures by disease. And somewhere in between life and death; love happened. Love happened to us all and we are left forever changed. And now it’s gone. And what’s left feels like an empty house that was once filled with children and grandchildren and family and LOVE. But now it’s empty, empty but overflowing with memories and feelings of times past, all these that we hold on to, while simultaneously realizing that nothing will be the same as it was.

But God stops me where I'm at, for I am weak. And then He comes to me and says, "Let me carry it for you. I will show you the way." And then I start to realize that I was not meant for earthy-mindedness, but to become spiritually-minded. To put my eyes to the things of God. To recognize that today is the greatest day that grandpa’s soul has ever seen. And I know that there’s a great party up yonder to welcome him home. And I can see my grandma with her new and perfect eyes, taking his hand and placing it in the hand of Jesus, his eyes fixated on the radiating Light. And Jesus walks with him, and places it in the Hand of the Father. And with his new and perfect ears, grandpa hears the whisper, “Welcome home, beloved son, welcome home”.

Rebuke.

Man-pleasing.

God told me last night that I don't need to worry about pleasing anyone but Him. Isn't that funny? Funny is not the right word. I don't know what is. Beautiful, maybe. Like He looks at me and my shabby little blog and says, "Aw, that's cute, wrong, but cute."

I know he gives me words but when He makes it real that he actually knows my thoughts (or reads the blog being written in my head) But I know there's more to it than that, there always is. I can't get into that now. This makes sense in my mind.

Here's what the moment brings me. Now is the time to be diligent; the time for obedience is now.

Trust me, I'm not actively trying to not be obedient. In fact, IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME, you would see that I'm looking desperately for things to be obedient to.

Nothing would please me more than to do my Father's work. How can it not be written all over my face when it is resounding in my spirit and written on my heart? Sometimes it seems like no one understands this when I tell them. 'Yeah, well if that were true then you'd be doing this. If that were true you'd stop walking around with your mouth shut and your eyes wide open and do something about it'.

It is possible (and probably very likely) that I'm looking so hard that I can't see what's in front of my face.

Sometimes we don't know that we don't know until we know.

Kala-pleasing & the queen of excuses.

I have trouble with man-pleasing.

Yesterday I went to my (old) favorite store and bought myself some shoes, a skirt and a vest. And I felt guilty all the while, telling myself that I won't need these things in the Kingdom of Heaven. In fact I don't even need them in this decrepit world of death. What's the point?

Ooh, ooh! I know the answer to this one. Buy stuff, look cute, fulfill some some fallen "need" to be accepted. As if clothing would bring acceptance. "Hey, I like her skirt, and those boots are fantastic! Maybe I should marry her!" Yea. WRONG. And then old-man-Kala and I spent $40 that doesn't even belong to me- $40 that could have been put towards building a ministry or contributing to my church.

OK, I have trouble with man-pleasing and Kala-pleasing. Enough already. God is showing me how fleeting all these things are. And my pastor is right when he says there's a sense of urgency. People die everyday. Where is my place in the Kingdom of God on earth?

So here's this urgency with souls on the line, and there I am gallivanting around town, tossing money at cashiers like I'm going to die tomorrow. When truth be told (I should like to think), if I actually were going to die tomorrow, I'd be shouting from the rooftops of the precious blood spilled to SAVE YOU.

Wow. It's official. I suck.

And to top off the official state of suckdom, here's this beautiful cashier with eyes calling out for rescue, a smile that's seen better times, and a customer (me) who knows the Truth that can set her free.

And then I want to let her know that she is loved, that she doesn't have to run, and that what she's been looking for has been right in front of her all the time. So I'm battling my mind, or my spirit or something else, and making excuses as to why it would be inappropriate to just let her have it right there in the middle of her work-place.

Wait a second, am I really fighting against this army that I claim to want to be a part of? Way to go, Kala. Way to go.

So I didn't say anything . But instead, I was real nice to her, told myself that my kind words made it all better. Yea, I told her I hoped she had a great day. As if by anything I hoped for her day to become could save her soul and give God his Glory, when the Glory of God was nowhere to be found. I couldn't even say God bless you. And did it make me feel better? Uh. Of course not.

So, man-pleasing.

I've got to let God break me of it. And He's showing me how to make room for Him in there, it's just taking me a little longer than I had hoped to let Him in do to His thing. But I'm aware of it's consequences on my spirit, and on the souls of others. The more aware I become, the more Glory God will get because I will be unable to help screaming it from the rooftops. I cannot stop this. I will submit to the Lord my God and he will be my courage and my strength. And out of all these ashes, beauty will rise; AND IT WILL BE SOONER THAN I THINK.

Sometimes and most of the time

Sometimes it's hard to look at who I was, and then tell her that she isn't allowed to exist anymore. But then I put my eyes on Him, and without words, she's gone and I do not miss her.

Sometimes it's hard to tell who I am that it's okay to make mistakes; because in the Army of the Lord the battle doesn't stop for anyone.

Sometimes it's hard to tell who I'll be that I'll get there sooner than I think. Because it's a scary thing, walking blindly into an un-touched battlefield with un-moved enemies and an unprepared army. But then I see Jesus going there ahead of me, saying 'Follow me'. And I drop everything with eyes fixated on the radiating light.

Thursday

Here is what I (used to) do (OK, sometimes still do, until I realize who I am).

I walk through my days a lot of the time feeling so alone. Like all these people surround me and even communicate with me but it's like no one can hear me at all. Or I scream and no one's ears have the capacity to hear such awful noise. The pitch is too high, or too low, or just intolerable. Or they can hear it but they can't decipher what strange language seems to be coming out of it; so no one really knows who I am, and if they did, well what good would it do anyway. All they want to know is ruled by some selfish desire saying "what can she do for me?"

And then my mind fights back and says, no Kala, your not alone. Don't you remember what it says in your Bible? And I'm thinking that my mind is a useless piece of mass plotting against my pity party, bullying my heart around a little bit, (maybe taking it's lunch money) and completely in-validating the way I feel.

And of course I know better than that. I am a daughter of the King, after all. And I believe Him when He says I'm not alone. And it's when He shows me how much I'm not alone that it even makes any sense at all. And he uses others to show me, too. Even still, it seems like a senseless thing. To give in to feelings when you've got a huge book called LOVE to remind you everyday. But He only shows me when I let Him. And then I go right up to that old man throwing himself a nice little pity party with a table for 1, punch him in the face and tell him to stop distracting me from the Truth.

And on nights like Thursday, He brings something to my memory, shows me how it made me feel, and then shows me how it made Him feel. And then my heart breaks into a hundred pieces at my inability to recognize real Love when it's bleeding right there on my face.

And then, he simply speaks, and those pieces can't put themselves back together fast enough. Like if they don't something in them will explode. And then my blood pumps through a new heart and the rest of my body soon catches up to the newness of it all. And restored blood flows through every part of my broken body and then He puts it all back together again (for now).

And then of course, there's the other voice. You know the one, frantically trying to convince me that I couldn't possibly be worthy of such a Love. That my aloneness is justified and that every day I don't feel it, I've ignored a piece of who I am. And who am I? Alone. That's who.

And this is the literal fight against Love. It takes a pretty hateful sort of a creature to try and convince someone that who they are isn't real. Not real at all. And then it becomes so entangled with who God's created me to be that I've become immune to it's blows, wouldn't recognize it if satan himself woke me up in the middle of the night screaming ALONE! ALONE! ALONE!

And so the wounds just look like skin; and I live another day just the same as I did before.

But, oh, how beautiful my Savior. When I see him coming on that white horse, furious lightning and violent clouds, saying That's MY girl. Don't you dare touch her. And the sound of the thunder speaks more than words could scream. And the lightning penetrates my soul and all I hear is perfect Love.

NOT ALONE. NOT ALONE. NOT ALONE.

thoughts and a little bit of testimony

Faith without works is dead. And I've been told not to let my feelings lead me; but isn't that how God speaks? OK I already know the answer to this; I'm just being stubborn. But know this; if I can't exactly hear Him, (supposedly) and I really cannot see Him (supposedly), I can feel Him. Sometimes, anyway...I guess. I don't know. Yes I do. I do know. I'm lead by what he impresses upon me to feel. Which is good for the most part, sometimes... I think.

And yes I cannot rely on that alone, because I'm fallen and it's my emotions and their consequences that get in the way of hearing from God. And faith without works is dead. So where exactly is the line. As if there were, on one side, created emotions stirred by a fallen world, a dead man and a spiritual battle and then on the other side there is God-sent impressions meant to move us into obedience and encouragement. So what does this line look like, and would I know if I were walking right over it? See my dilemma. Since I'm going to be doing God's work (yes I AM), I'm going to need to know these things. And I'm going to need to know that I really know. Because again, faith without works is dead. So I want to stay in the boundaries of the line that God has provided for me. Question: how do I know if I'm doing it right? Answer: I won't know and I'll fall probably a lot more than I fly at first; but I'm going to keep my eyes on the One whom it's all for. That's it. Keep my eyes on Him. This is not about me, for all my life, it was never about me.

I don't care if you don't understand what I'm talking about. It'd be nice, though. Then I wouldn't feel so alone. OK; I'm not alone. SEE. Did you see that right there? There's that feeling thing. The wrong kind of feeling. I'm over the line and into enemy territory. Back up, Kala. The never-ending battle for my mind rages on.

Today, the war in my veins tries to take back the grounds it had footed before I met Him. No, I mean REALLY met him. See, I met Him once, as a child. He came to me; offered to carry anything I'd be willing to give to Him. "Thanks Jesus" I said, "I'll keep that in mind".

And I looked at Him a few times, told Him I loved Him because it made me feel good. Hey, I even accepted Him as my savior; whatever that meant. And I left Him in some realm of reality that didn't seem to fit in with the only one I knew.

I turned my eyes from the blood pouring out to ransom my slowly but inevitably dying soul; to more comforting things that didn't require such responsibility. I didn't find the suggestion that I live for some One other than myself as comforting as the prospect of instant gratification. I mean, didn't that feel better? Feel. There's that word again.

And my eyes saw, but they did not see. And my ears heard but they did not hear. So I left Him hanging there on a cross, bleeding and forgotten. But He never forgot about me. And He stayed there, on that cross; dying for me while simultaneously mourning because I wouldn't accept Life. And he pleaded my case to the Father because that's how much He loved me. He pleaded forgiveness on my life by offering His own. And really and truly had I known what I was doing I would have thrown myself at the foot of that cross, sacrificed my very life to give Him the only comfort I know how to give Him; my life.

But I turned and I never really looked back. Of course, I talked about Him here and there. Prayed to the Father when I needed Him to hear something. And I probably smiled real big thinking there was someone out there willing to die for me. You know; all those words I read in a big old book that I didn't understand; and that couldn't have possibly been written for me.

And I don't know at exactly what age I turned my back on my first love. I don't even know if I was ever fully facing Him. What I do know, is that I didn't make a place in the front of my life for Him.

And I looked everywhere for something else to replace Him with. As I got older, it came in different forms. My idols came in the form of rebellion, vanity, music, friends, manipulation, alcohol and boyfriends. And as they say, nothing I found would ever fill that God-shaped hole in my life. None, except Emmanuel.

And it didn't happen all at once. He began shining His light in to the dark areas of my life; exposing them and cleaning them up. He replaced my music with His. He told me I was beautiful and I believed Him. He somehow coerced others Jesus followers into being friends with a little soul like mine. He showed me that I would never find acceptance by rebelling. He said, "I love you because of who you are, not just because I'm supposed to."

Hook, line & sinker. And now, my eyes see and my ears hear and I will never be the same. And even when I cannot feel Life, I know that I am still Living. And even when the darkness hides the light from me, I know that it is still burning. I never knew Life like this.

I am not alone, never alone. And now my blood belongs to Him because He bought it with His own.

And after it all, the war is still raging in these veins. But I have taken up arms. I come with a mighty warrior leading the way. And He shined a light for me when it was too dark to see. He carried me when I was too tired to walk. He stood up for me when I was too weak to fight. And He died for me so that I could live.

revisited.

I love that I wrote this four months ago; and it makes more sense now than it ever did then. I've been wounded and redeemed by the blood.

Love supernatural, and I feel as though I could break open from the touch of the Spirit. Just the way He knew it would feel. And it’s strange to reason that I might could fall in love with the character of so many people at any uncertain time until I became conscious that it is not love for this person. This person who is wretched and vile. It is love for the Christ I see seeping out like blood from a wound. I want to bleed this Blood. Curious love. I want to bleed this Blood. And like Blood from a wound, scores of those in our nation may be moved to discomfort by this Blood seeping out, this supernatural Love seeping out. But I fall in Love with this Blood seeping out. Wound me, that I may Bleed it, too.

wordless

I haven't written in a short while and nothing's to blame but too little time and effort on my part alone. Unfortunate, yes. Will it change? It's too soon yet to tell. My draw to my writings usually come in waves. We will see where this will lead. But it is certain to say my lack of writing is not due in full or in part to lack of the movement by God. Oh no. God is moving and pulling and yearning. In fact, He has been the biggest distraction from my finding time to do so. I cannot think of a better word than distraction, however to use this word, distraction, may imply a negative occurrence. Let me assure you, there is none more positive than this.

God is pulling me toward Himself more and more, and while I know what direction it is spiritually (and believe me, I use the word 'know' loosely), I don't know how it will transcend into this life as I know it now. But I do know that the true desire of my heart is to follow Him in pure obedience the best my fallen little life knows how, to God be the glory.

But here is what I know for now. God is doing some pretty big things and I don't know what it will look like, but I know that I will never be the same. And each day comes forth and is followed by another one just the same, only a little different and a little better. And so over time this thing becomes bigger than me. It already is. It always was. I cannot stop this. I cannot look back.

I do not know how to explain what I mean without being so vague. Just wait and see.

the power of the words

lost, cry, cross, trust, deliver, heal, restore, redeem

JESUS.

Psalm 72:12-14

For he will deliver the needy who cry out,
the afflicted who have no one to help.

He will take pity on the weak and the needy
and save the needy from death.

He will rescue them from oppression and violence,
for precious is their blood in his sight.

LIFE

I once was bound and living for death. I found Love when I found Yeshua of Nazareth. I see that everything that shines aint always gold, but when the light calls me to it, it's either hot or cold. Never knew a Love like this. Been set free from the chains, now i'm bound to obedience
In search of beauty as i follow the Way; My blood cries out to My King, Yahweh.

so this is now.

Yes I am a dreamer and yes I am lovesick so how do I tell my heart that the reality is there is a life to live here. While I will try not to live separate from my hearts desire I cannot neglect what I am here to do.

God is all around me and He will be training me for all my life, but there comes a point where one must recognize what the point of the training is and use it for His glory.

Sometimes I think my head is so up in the clouds with thoughts of Him and what His will might look like for him or for her or for this group or that, that I miss how it could be implemented all around me. And I'm so busy waiting for God to scream that I miss his gentle whispers, but then I think 'hey, i can't hear whispers anyway'.

I don't know who reads this thing, and I'm coming more to the point of not caring who does, but the truth is that there is a battle for my blood and for yours. And while it's already been covered, the battle is raging to create as much destruction that might hurt God and his kids. AND THAT makes me angry, and truly I will fight back. I won't tell you how.

I WILL NOT sit idle and watch this happen to me and the people I love any longer. Get ready, God is taking back HIS grounds, and I want to be a part of it.

If we could only see the chains. I cannot tell you how many people are walking ball-and-chain. People! JESUS WILL SET YOU FREE.

Heart pierced with fire.

Wounded from my inside, and healed with the fragrant ointment of Heaven. No greater Love. No greater Love than this.

brb ;)

I will be taking a brief hiatus here as well as my facebook in order to make more room for God. Not only from writing but also from commenting and reading others' blogs as well.

As they say, too much of a good thing is not a good thing at all. I'll be back when God releases me from this obedience.

Fear

I cannot begin my musings without describing the fear I have of the Lord. It would make sense to say that my mind understands that the very touch of God can take a life from its body and command it into eternal rest. Yes, I have read and heard. But my eyes have never seen such power taking form through a physical experience. To tell you that knowing these things scares me would be accurate but that is not it's end. And to say that my own mind has an affect on the physical response of my body is also true. But sheerly coming into the presence of this power, knowing that the same power which rose Christ from the dead is flowing through me and running wild in my blood; to feel that power shakes me to my very core. The power calls my heart-beat wild, in alignment with the heartbeat of heaven. Some of this fear is good and is poured from Truth. But something, a different kind of fear, blocks my soul from Oneness. It encourages a fight within me to resist. I do NOT want to resist. I do not mean to contradict the content of these words, that is the fallen man inside.

Who am I to know such presence? My frail body cannot handle it, but every part of it screams for more. Is this the normal Christian life?

I've wasted so many years cursing my body and my soul with depravity, all the while ignorance chained me to darkness (with the help of a few of his friends). But redemption waited so patiently for me as my bood cried out for restoration. The war raged in my veins until His timing was revealed and the angels praised Him as I was made new. And that is when I saw Him. My warrior prince was waiting. His arms reached out to help me up from myself and onto the back of His white horse. Cheesy? Probably. But nothing makes my heart beat wilder (besides the firey presence of God) than the thought of the One on the white horse, coming to redeem my blood by shedding His own. I will finish with this: The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Get some.

...

Words fail me. I am so small and God reigns. I am so small but I shine for God. I must shine for Him, and if I do not, Lord teach me how. And I cannot stand how big God is, in a beautiful and marvelous, thunderous sort of way. Literally, I can not stand it. I must have Him. This life is nothing and He, He is everything. EVERYTHING.

And must it be now that I should spend eight hours of my tiny life at this job, oh this job; AT A TIME LIKE THIS. Hello!... People! This is an emergency. The Creator of the universe wants me. ... me? ME! Sorry job, I've got bigger fish to fry.

My spirit yearns. I don't like to use the word yearn. It sounds funny, like yeast or burn. But it is the best way to describe this restless desire. This longing. I've felt it before but never like this. He is calling and I am rising. And I fly with Him. I cannot wait, but only to wait on God. I must have Him.

Holy

The world looks different today, and yesterday even. And I’m not talking about the kind of different that happens when one’s been through something that ought to change his outlook, or skew his perception of reality. Not this kind, this kind that I’ve felt before and even written about.

But a different kind. Truly, it is, and in a very strange way. Like I’m looking out from my body but I’m sort of set apart from it. It’s strange, and I cannot think of a better word to illustrate this impression. Almost like a welcome shift in equilibrium. And I can’t tell if my soul is making itself separate because that’s what I’ve been asking or if my balance is off. It’s difficult for me to make myself aware in confidence of what I go through on my journey.

Mostly because I’ve never experienced it before. But also because no one’s ever told me how. No one but Jesus. And I’m so fallen and sinful that I should think I’m unworthy of hearing Him. But Jesus says I am.

Fortunately, it’s been made quite clear as of late that I can do nothing good and fruitful without Him. So to look at this logically, when I regard of myself doing good in the name of the Christ it is truly because the Christ lives in me. And it is He that uses my vessel for His Kingdom. It is He, not I. So, I have chosen Him and He has chosen me. And I maintain my belief that He is in me. Therefore my faith has sowed a seed inside of my own soul that I can and will be used by Him in any way He chooses. All because He lives here, and I believe. I can come unto His presence when I am made holy. If He died for me, I am made Holy. If He lives in me, I am made holy. If I am obedient, I am made holy. I am holy as He is holy. Because Jesus says I am.

The Lord commands

, “Be holy because I, the Lord your God am holy” Leviticus 19:1

“Consecrate yourselves and be holy” Leviticus 20:7”

“You are to be holy to me because I, the Lord, am holy and have set you apart from the nations to be my own” Leviticus 20:26.

So, Leviticus. If the men and women of the Old Testament could be made holy by keeping decrees and following them, certainly we of the 21^st century are made holy through true faith and the saving grace of Jesus Christ, our atonement child.

Virginia

I feel more than I think one ought to feel at certain times and often long to feel it when it’s gone. But not here. I don't want for it here. Here, feelings flow abundant. Clean air mixed with flowing thought. Beautiful airways and open atmosphere dancing 'round my skin. Fresh emotion running wild.

I should think one day I’ll live in a town like this. A small town with God, where the livin’s easy. And I’d enjoy waking with the sun, and praying and worshiping and delighting in what He made for me. I’d sit on my oversized wraparound porch sipping coffee or hot chocolate, and relishing in God in me. Smiling at the ease and peace of His presence. And then pondering how to get more of it. I’d go for evening walks and I’d rest on the grass staring up at the stars, my personalized picture of hope, painted clearly in the night sky. And God would rest there staring back at me. And I would smile because I know He is near.

No new revelation today, just God. God all the time. God in me. Learning to be loved is tough, and learning to be loved by the King of all of creation seems an impossibility, but He’s teaching me and I am open. I’m learning to be LOVE too. I think that might be even tougher…being love in this fallen world when so many things beckon me away from love. Hate, rejection, bitterness; pain, condemnation, misunderstanding. No. Love. If not me, then who? God in me. Yes. Then love. Check. It seems so simple. Yeah ... seems.

Here is what I know. I want Him and nothing more. More than my next breath, He rises to become the King of my entire body, spirit, soul. My King, my Love.

See

I'm coming to a new place and an understanding. It is one that at times I think I understand, but truly never will.

But that all fades as I dance with my God, and then I find myself pushing my thoughts away. I can see myself literally climbing out of my mind. New perspective. And it feels strange and magnificent for lack of a truer word.

God whispered that I was beautiful and that I had no idea how much He loved me that Thursday night, weeks ago. How was I to know how quickly he would begin showing me? It's like He's been screaming it from the Heavens, I love you. You were made for this. You were made for Me. Can't you see? Now. See. And I am hearing it for the first time. Only now I can see. As if He were showing me my worth.

And he's been opening me all along. I was praying last night deep and wide. I saw different things but I can't be sure I was open enough to see, or if my own pattern of thinking was simply running wild. I saw what seemed to be a huge boulder engulfed by an even bigger mountain. Pressure was building behind the boulder and it was quickly pushed out by rushing water. And then I saw a wall built of bricks. The bricks were being pushed out one at a time by an unknown pressure. It is these walls, this separation that I've felt for a long time but the Truth is, nothing can keep me separated. And now I see.

And then, I became acutely aware of the many drowning moments in my life led by a single voice telling me, You are alone. No one cares for you. You are not worth getting to know. I could see middle school girls looking straight through my outcries for love. Ironic that my invisibility is all I could see. I couldn't recall any specific instances. Only the way it felt. And then as if no time had passed, I felt God standing behind that young girl. He who never left me. He who always saw me, and He who loved me anyway. It was always Him. Always His love I cried out for. But it took a different form for that young girl. I was Never alone. It was always Him.

And so I kept saying, "It's you, it has always been You." So I was set free from my invisibility last night. I was set free from my inadequacies and rejection because true adoption and true love comes from the Father.

Oh my God, How You love me.

LOVE

Love. L O V E. It seems an effortless word. Without it, it was all for nothing. Without it, His death was in vain. Without it, we are all dead.

There is a battle ongoing right now. And while we are unable to see it raging, some may feel its effects rippling through the atmosphere. Some are able to recognize its evidence thundering among the lives of the living (or... dying).

Read Revelations. Or don’t. But I recently had a revelation myself.

It stunned me to the point of disbelief (almost). Had I really never understood? The battle, this fight between good and evil. The ultimate victory of the Light against the darkness. What is it all for? Angels fighting among their fallen. Healings and miracles that followed when the world lost a Messiah but gained a Savior. There must be a reason. And something I had known all along occurred to me, only I never really knew.

GOD LOVES US.

It is all because He LOVES us.

L O V E. This is what it’s all about. See, this love, it can heal brokenness. Love will atone for sin. See, this love, it can deliver a nation. This love is designed from its very nature to bring sanctification to its beholders at its appropriate time. And this love is made for saving a people.

How I wish to convey the love of my Jesus, oh, that the reason for God’s atonement may never be in vain, LOVE. I pray for an uncommon love that unbelievers may find and ask, what is this?

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. - 1 Peter 3:8.

Love has covered my sins. I will never be able to repay what has been done for me, but I will die trying (and loving).

Click here to read about the love of God in the words His precious children.

Battle

Some days feel strange to me. Like heaven is screaming and earth is shaking and I am called just to be. To be? To be what? To walk through this day in the reality that faces me, when my reality rests somewhere else. My reality is in the spirit with God. Is it wrong to long for it all the hours of my day? How am I supposed to rest in my reality everyday when I know that I am meant for more. So heaven is screaming and earth is shaking today, and why can't anyone else feel it? Why.

What makes today strange? I am unsure. But there is a lingering heaviness. What makes my life's purpose without consequence? I am meant for more. And I know that God is training me but I am ready to fight. FIGHT. And it is my hearts desire to be used to my full potential by my Lord.

I want nothing more than God's will. All my desires must leave me so that the desires of my Lord will fill me. Then they will become mine.

I had a vision of an army. We are in battle, our spirits. Raising up and marching forth surrounded by skeletons of destruction. I wanted to be on the front lines. I wanted to be fighting. I made my plea. Let me stand first. Let me fight hardest. Let me be a mighty warrior. But then I saw myself somewhere lost in a platoon of wounded warriors. No weapon in hand, but I was kneeling, and helping the wounded back to their feet. I was pouring out His love that they may rise up and continue the fight, continue marching forth. That was my place among the people of God. We all have different duties to perform in the battle, but we must stand in mutual affection and one purpose; for the expansion of His glory and of the Kingdom of God.

Obedience

Written on 6/21

Convicted as I was on Sunday, I decidedly went to drown my thought process at the pool after church. But it's what happened before the pool that should be told. Lets back up. What I felt in church that day was a sort of beautiful recognition of a loss I had been walking through. It hit me immediately. The past couple of weeks have been filled with hints of truth, but lacking in obedience. If I am speaking freely, I have been tired and annoyed and simple-minded. These that call me away from my First Love. How could this have happened?

At church that day I felt the the Holy Spirit calling me to obedience and prayer, of vigilance and watchfulness. Such things that are necessary for every Christ-follower, these things that were seemingly lacking from me recently. What's more, every Thursday, the church has a time for seekers to come forth and pray and worship He that is worthy. I had not been in over a month. Maybe two? I had lost count. Although I knew I was missing out on receiving God, that which I chose deliberately to do. And God meets individuals where they are on Thursdays at that old garage-of-a-building. That building which is old, and rigid (if a building could be rigid), sweltering and unattractive. God loves it there. And I love meeting God there. And it was as though God was whispering to me, I am here waiting for you. Take me. Why don't you take me? Thursdays are now reserved for God at One Fellowship (http://www.onefellowshipchurch.com/).

And its a beautiful thing when one finds himself convicted. When the voice of God breaks through the deafness and man discovers how hopeless he truly is without God. Because it is then that God is whispering, Finally beloved. Finally you can hear me. How I've missed you, come Follow Me.

And its beautiful and tragic, but not lonely, because God's presence can be felt so strongly by the convicted man's heart that his mind ought to think nothing else should matter for the rest of his life, nothing but remedying this separation from God.

And I knew if I went to the pool that day that His presence would soon cease, and the feeling wouldn't permeate the way it did when it was necessary. So rather than spend time with God while He was near, I went to the pool for simple-minded entertainment, leaving more disappointed in myself than I had been all day.

Because, see, I have a sort of theory, that in order to feel oneness with God in His presence, walls must be torn down or removed. It is then we can hear He that desires us most audibly. Every time, there are walls that must be torn down. And it's very hard to do that when surrounded by others who are not experiencing oneness with God. This is because, coincidently they aid in laying the bricks on the walls permitting separation. And even their own personal walls can block God's voice and presence from others.

I knew that's what I would be doing by going to the pool that afternoon. And I went anyway.

How I wish I had not gone, and went home to spend time with God. What would he have taught me that day?

Well, I think he taught me exactly what I needed, what He had planned.

I believe that the stronger a man's desire for a thing, his obedience for it will consequently be able to deliver him or break down walls that couldn't otherwise be broken. That is what faith is all about. And that is the importance of obedience.

Dreamer

Days like these, I long for love. The kind that whispers comfort and relief when I feel this way. As if loneliness creeps in and instills a dull throbbing, constantly reminding me that I have been abandoned. But I’m not and I know it. But I want a love and to know it’s mine. And then it becomes harder to wait on God’s plan because I frantically attempt to peer in anticipation to the future God has planned for me.

Am I a dreamer? And why do people put my God in a box? As if to say, “Silly girl, look at her, she thinks God could do that for her. Poor thing, just leave her alone,” leaving me open-hearted but empty-handed. Like my very future had just been ripped from the tight grasp of my fingers that I had only just recently realized. And then what remains is a soft feeling of what just was on the tips of my fingers. And it seems like it's still there but it's only a memory. A little girl, disappointed as if the world should suddenly stop spinning because hers exists no longer.

Yes, I’d like to think I’m a dreamer, but that’s exactly how God made me. I can see His Hand in my life, just the way He made me to. And I cannot wait for life. Sometimes I watch pictures in my head of what I dream in anticipation. And my God, He never quite lets me realizes my plans and sometimes, sometimes the realization that marks reality is beyond the dreams I ever could have imagined.

All this, but yes I have boundaries and limits and expectations for myself and my future, and I won’t submit to less than God has for me. But, I do not have boundaries for my God. And Jesus walks with me every day and I can feel him most days. Call me a dreamer but living a life obedient to The Call feels more real than any day I’ve already lived.

Wisdom

Proverbs sings to me, 3:13 Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding. 3:15 Nothing you desire can compare with her 3:18 She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her. 4:2 The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.

I don’t know at what point in my life God showed me the way to her and I am still seeking, and maybe it was there all along, but I, the fool, too foolish to find her. Here is what I know, that I was asleep but have awoken, lost now found, dead now full of Life. And I believe that the spirit of wisdom is close to me and I have begun to realize its existence. But then death knocks again, everyday it knocks again and I find it difficult to hold her branches so I lose my grip and I’m left the same fool I always was only different because I know better. Thus presenting greater a fool for losing what I found than for losing what I never knew existed. But the call remains to get Wisdom at any required cost and I am left wanting because I am falling on my own, losing Him and then He calls to me,

‘Never lose sight of me. I am Wisdom and I will never leave you, only you must find Me. Don’t let the distractions in your ‘reality’ hinder you from finding Me, from finding Wisdom. A fool cannot find Me but the humble know the secret place to seek. Like wave-lengths or frequencies. The proud cannot hear but the humble will find the Way.

I woke today to find that my 25th birthday is four days from this date and the wedding of my close friend will be here in two (days). And life doesn't slow for anyone. And I've been working diligently with the children finding wonder in their eyes and need in their souls and praying my God to give them what they need. And now I have a place to rest my head in my own peace and I can find whatever I look for there, except sometimes time escapes me and then I neglect the only peace I need to find.

So my birthday waits for me, and time does not. And all I want to do is be at peace and spend time with my God, and all I want is Him to give me the desire and never take it back. This weekend will be busy but I pray for peace and remembrance of what it's all for.

His Princess

His Princess

It is with a full heart I write words on this page, fresh with the Spirit and new in time that was Planned to fill me. I’ve been waiting and wondering and not knowing, but my time has come. I’m free to be still. I am free to be still. The presence of the Spirit lingers infinite, and I begin to drink. I beckon the Knowledge, simple as God intended. I sit in the room and wait for the presence and trust in Him, He comes. And God motions me to indulge in Him, and he indulges Himself in me and I cannot ask for more. It is the desire of God to be still with us, written countless times in His word for me. Countless times for me. And I can feel it gone when I neglect my God, and I don’t quite feel like myself. Myself is gone because He is gone. And I never want to be gone. 25 years of life is gone and I’ve been gone all along but I am ready now. 25 years I've been gone but He's never been gone from His princess. Diligent and I am ready though I fall again. I am ready. What can I do for you my God?

25 years of depravity. 25 years of sin. 25 years of darkness. 25 years of Love. 25 years of Forgiveness. 25 years of Grace. 25 years of Life. 25 years, His princess.

Fill me now, and I will be still for You.

Love supernatural, and I feel as though I could break open from the touch of the Spirit. Just the way He knew it would feel. And it’s strange to reason that I might could fall in love with the character of so many people at any uncertain time until I became conscious that it is not love for this person. This person who is wretched and vile. It is love for the Christ I see seeping out like blood from a wound. I want to bleed this Blood. Curious love. I want to bleed this Blood. And like Blood from a wound, scores of those in our nation may be moved to discomfort by this Blood seeping out, this supernatural Love seeping out. But I fall in Love with this Blood seeping out. Wound me, that I may Bleed it, too.

Musings of a Storm Oceanside

The ocean on a stormy eve is not a typical planned escape, but seems designed to call its audience to reflection. Salty air twists wildly in front of my face. Raging warm air and cool whispers of salt breathe life to my once deadened thoughts. The musings of a storm Oceanside, rather, provide a sense known not to those without it. This is God. He calls the waves wild, releasing them in intervals consigned to His Hands. Watch mere life tremble by the Call. The contrast of the sky and the deep sea moves to panic. Awareness made pure by the storm.

Now left behind, calm, reminiscent of the fury that just was. Provoking thought wild and call of Duty. Teaching obedience to His troubled brood. And then he releases command against raging wind and passionate Sea, leaving life still. The sweet calm that remains motions her to submission, leaving pieces of earth not meant for life outside the Sea.

Coincidence

I do not believe in coincidence. I believe that meticulous planning is involved in our lives before we live them. That we may fulfill the Call by the One who created them. Recently, Hannah, my dear friend and I were discussing the quandaries and the nature of our God.

She suggested that He delights in all the little things he has done to create in us a future for His glory. “He cannot wait,” she went on, “for us to find out all the little things He’s done and for us to recognize His Hand in it all.” Can you see it? God, smiling in anticipation, to watch His story unfold by the lives he has intertwined. No, I do not believe in coincidence. God molds and creates His children and creates them for a purpose.

Recently I found a journal written during a dark time a little more than three years ago. A time of obscurity and disobedience. A time a sheep had wandered too far to hear the Sheppard’s call. This entry found a sheep yearning for her Master who had begun showing her the path back to Himself. I found words written in desperate petition to God, crying for passion. I retrieved the feeling behind the words on the page. “I do not feel passion for anything God. I do not feel worth. I am lost. Give me your passion and give me purpose Lord, bring me back to You.”

Today I have become aware of a different person writing different words, with different feelings behind them. I find myself feeling more than I could have ever imagined a person could feel. I feel a burden for the hurting. I cry tears for the lost. The passion I have is immeasurable.

Reading the words I had written during such a time of darkness and recognizing them in me now, transformed for His glory beckons me to realize His faithfulness. He heard my petition and he answered. I will not stop until I bring Him glory. I pray He continually allow me to acknowledge His works in my life, that I may take pleasure in His Hand, and he may delight in my wonder. There is no such thing as coincidence.

This man

A woman longing for Life in a world of depravity is best suited with a man who is able to understand this need within her. To understand that at any given moment, she should hope to leave him and all the world behind in order that she may bring the Lord His glory.

This man will desire to bring his bride close to Wholeness with God, without judgment or disdain. This man will not be condescending to her, but rather soft and gentle about her misguided ignorance. This man will be humble about his success, and would seek no crown. For nothing in him alone is good or deserving. This man will find hope in his suffering. This man will search for beauty in his pain. This man will be hated by his friends, but loved by Jesus. This man will lift up his bride, lift her when she can no longer stand. He would never dream of treating her unkind. Of giving her the anger of the world to carry on her back. And she will never stand alone. This man will delight in treating his bride with love and kindness. This man will revel in her crinkled nose when she smiles and think to himself, how beautiful is this? And he will thank His God for little gifts like these. And she will do the same. This man will not see her for her past, but for who she is because of God's redemption. This man is made for me.

Longing

I woke yesterday with a longing. And it beats like a pulse in my veins that I can only feel, which is the only evidence that suggests it even exists.

And then there are times like this morning. Such times that I don’t feel at all. And the longing is still there, but seeks its peace from a different suitor. No pulse in my body that was once full of Life. No pulse.

And the evidence that holds me, no longer has a force that I can believe in.
Faith, He whispers, just faith. But it feels like the golden chords carrying me have somehow come undone, like a siren calling me towards reckless abandon.

And it is during this volatile time that I discover how frantic this pulse becomes within me. Frantic, irregular and wild. Only this world has rendered me less sensitive of its existence.

How far will you go? I am still here. I am working in and for you in ways you cannot know. I have not left you. I never leave you. I have been holding you even when you knew Me not, for I knew the time would come. Faith, child. Faith.

Even when I cannot feel Life, I know that I am still Living. Even when the darkness hides the light from me, I know it is still burning. But it can never be hidden, only I am not looking hard enough. And in these times of longing, it is I who have stopped searching.

But God still has the key to the lock. The lock attaching the chords to my heart. And it looks like a tiny piece of glitter in his big brilliant hand. And its times like these that make God’s promise real. Because Jesus went before me, and I must go too. I will suffer, and I will be separated in order that I may find matrimony with the King.

All else must fade, and then you will find Me.

Who He is and who I am

Inspiration is sort of a funny thing. And I’ve been feeling it gone from me lately, but also I’ve been feeling gone from Him. But I’m feeling Him again already, though it’s never soon enough. And then it dawned on me that Inspiration in its true form is God speaking to me, giving me Words. So I take these perfect words given to and from the Spirit in me, and then with the human form of me I filter them and flow them into words on paper and of course they end up tainted by the very flesh used to write them down.

But here, the point remains that God uses each of us in different fashions and I’m still discovering all He has for me and all that I can do for Him and for His glory. Uncovering new mysteries about my dear sweet Love and His Love for me is beautiful.

And I find myself walking so tall and delighted with wonder, and if I’m not careful, I forget what my life was like without Him. Which then ruptures the mystery altogether, leaving me prideful and untouchable. And an untouchable Christian seems no Christian at all. So then God reminds me of who I am without Him, and because of this separation I become stripped of my joy and my confidence, forcing me to be reminiscent of a life before obedience to my God. It seems an unnecessary consequence that could be remedied should I remind myself who God is and who I am, and by spending time with the most important Person in my life. Note to self: God is your Sovereign, begin and end each day with Him, call on him during the afternoon. Listen for Him all the hours of the day. He wants to help you, all you must do is let Him. I am a daughter of the King. I am His princess. He longs for me as I long for Him. He is jealous for me and I am in love with Him.

Not Alone

Loneliness is the affliction that encourages these walls I’ve built. Slowly insinuating my thoughts. Gently whispering that I am alone on my walk. Keeping me separate from my King. And then I start to forget the death that Jesus died. The nails drove in his hands. The blood my Love has bled. What is this? Who am I?

My King has paid my ransom. There is no greater Love than this, that a man lay down His life for his friend. How could I ever be alone? And as if I had been kidnapped from his loving Hands, He ransomed me. But kidnap? No. It is I who have wandered on my own . And I have been enticed by lies and danced with manipulation. I have indulged my very captor. Creating walls of separation from my Love. This separation that began with birth, nurtured by sin and lies. Cultivated in place with ready hands. I did not know. I did not know the momentum my behavior would construct; this separation with due cause. And the more I built, the deafer I have become.

So I pray now. And I continue to tear down the walls with my God and pray he permeate my deafness. Pray Him to teach me how to break them, teach me how to keep them gone. To teach me how to hear His voice again. My God is so faithful.

I am never alone.

His yoke is easy, his burden is light

His yoke is easy, his burden is light.

God whispers through intense heaviness, pleading with me. It is Mine, give it to Me. Unfortunate is the occasion when I do not hear my Lord, for the weight is too much to break my focus. All because I am fallen and nothing without his Word. But how delightful it is when God magnifies His whisper to captivate my audible crying soul. He breaks through the hindrance tied to my back.

I felt it today, at work with the little ones. When internal affairs threatened to destruct my vocation. The heaviness that weighed on me presented more profoundly as the sun rose and began its descent. I indulged myself rather than submit to my God, and left with the sun as the weight took its toll.

I debated heavily in my car. Tired as I was, I decided for peace that only God can bring. Rather than drive to the place that I rest, I ended up at the place I rest in God. Sweet, sweet church. Strange how God moves in the body. Strange and beautiful. The place I run for peace, instead bore heaviness and weight. Weight of the same nature which God was calling me to renounce. Agitated, I felt the weight of the souls in the room, and pleaded my God, may it be removed. Yes my God is faithful. Quickly, thick yoke became easy. Quickly, this burden, light. Quickly, how quickly the body was convicted. The end of a beautiful night.

On spiritual warfare

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” — Ephesians 5:1

I wasn’t going to post this on the internet. But then I read this verse and thought it wrong for me not to. I wrote this a couple of months ago. I posted this before but made some changes and need to post again.

I think it important to document the extraordinary encounters God has allowed me to bear witness. Working with a ministry devoted to doing God’s work has been a true blessing for me and has facilitated a growth in my faith and my walk that I never imagined possible. Not in my entire life. Over the past few months I have been witness to the Holy Spirit deliver many people from the evil forces that inhabit this earth.

Spiritual warfare is something I have always been somewhat aware of, but the degree of my understanding has until recently been elementary. There are forces present in this world that cannot be seen with the fallen man’s eye. These forces are often met with ignorance and little resistance because we are so unaware of their presence.

I have seen the consequences of such forces in the form of deep suffering, depravity, and bondage, these things that the enemy hand-delivers.

It is a scary thing, the unknown. Hidden away. Like the deepest secret you think no one can ever infiltrate. Until eventually repercussions begin to show themselves, and the results can no more be hidden than the light that shines from the sun.

And these results are obvious consequences from something ingrained far deeper than what is visible; a secret no one knows, a thing you can’t see.

For as long as I can remember I experienced irrational fear of what was unknown to me, these forces.

I’ve often described them as this:

I am in the middle of an ocean, on a dark night. While I am able to keep my head above the dark, rough waters, I am aware of all the possibilities of creatures creeping beneath me. Ones that I can’t see, but they see me. I don’t know what they are. There could be few, there could be many. They could be near or far. There might not be anything at all. All I know is that I am struggling to breathe. I want to stop moving. So they can’t feel the motion of the water I am creating. The more I struggle, the more ripples I create. I want to disappear. I want to shrink down to nothing. It’s very vulnerable out here. And I am terrified.

Now. It is important to note that I no longer carry this burden. I do not dwell in this ocean any longer, for my ocean is one filled with light and hope, grace and forgiveness, love and redemption. And I hope to write more about that later. Perhaps I will start from the beginning.

Truth written by the fingertips of Your children.

Read, fellowship, laugh, grow. Gifts I find in the words.

I so long to hear Your voice. I see it all around me. I feel it.

You love me.

You desire to use me.

I am seeking to break through the silence

and chatter that keeps me from You.

The desire of my heart cries for you. The depravity of my flesh is clinging to death.

You overcome. You overcome. You overcome.

I live.

Find

I listen and I long for the Truth of God. More than I ever knew I was supposed to. I listen and He speaks. Or whispers. Or He just is. Whatever it is that my God does, in His holy and unfathomable way. It's immeasurable to this mind of mine. This simple, curious mind.

And the Truth God gives me is like eye drops to my dry eyes. Like water to calm my ever thirsting tongue. And I can never get enough. The separation has devastated human life, and my soul desperately longs to be with my God. I find Him in simple things. In beautiful things that people often overlook. I find him in the expression of myself, through writing and journaling. It is there I am most at peace. I find him when I'm driving and He reveals something to me that could not be of my mind.

I find him in my mind. I find love and understanding. I find the like-minded obedience and knowledge he has given me in Hannah Rose. I find him in our conversations. In our creativity. In our laughter and our stories. Yes, He really likes to show up there. Oh how I love to find Him. And He loves to find me.

lately.

I have learned what it is to be still, reflect, and listen to God in between the distorted thoughts. Yes, this I have learned but now I must do it and keep it part of routine. That’s the biggest part of my battle. How can I expect for God to grant me wisdom and discernment when I am not meeting him where I am able? Who do I think I am? So here, the cry of my heart remains to become sanctified and remain in the light, to be a light even, and to take every thought captive for the righteousness of my Savior to set free.

I gave up restaurants for lent. No, I’m not catholic. But I am Christian, and I believe in feeling desperate for God in times of sacrifice in order to strengthen the desire and relationship through and for Jesus Christ. I don’t remember when lent began. All I know is that I was 2 days late, but as we all know, better to be late than to not be at all. So why restaurants? Well, anyone who knows me knows that I love to eat. I love greasy, fattening, disgusting foods that no one should enjoy quite like I do. I used to eat out more than anyone I know. What better way to show god my sacrifice than with something I would actively miss, everyday?

But the most wonderful part is, I haven’t missed it as much as I feared I would. While there have been a few moments of desperation, the Lord my God hath sustained me, just as he always does.

So one thing God has shown me recently are the things I want to become. It’s like He’s letting me peek a little more in to my self, as His bride, slowly and gently so that I may understand.

I know that I want to be a woman that a man of God would want. Now that may sound simple, and perhaps it is, but it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve truly realized what it means to me and for my life. It means selfless sacrifice for the acceptance of love so that the grace and mercy of God can save my life by the blood of Jesus Christ. Oh, how he loves us.

Social Justice

A brief thought on a consistent theme.

When I read fiction of fantastic and radical tragedy, it is not for those stories that I am touched, but for the forgotten people living in this world who may not have a means for which their stories to be told. For the people in their chains, in their prisons, who don’t know that the door is already open. Drowning in alcohol, making beds in manipulation; Only stepping as deep as a dried up creek.

Unending love awaits you. Why are you still searching? Your future holds redemption. There's mercy awaiting you. There's infinite grace in His heart. There's more to life than choosing death. I cry for those who need tears. I pray for those who need prayer. Let us speak to those who need to hear. For the ones in bondage, for the ones held captive. We are the hands and the feet. We are vessels of the Holy Spirit.