Kala-pleasing & the queen of excuses.

I have trouble with man-pleasing.

Yesterday I went to my (old) favorite store and bought myself some shoes, a skirt and a vest. And I felt guilty all the while, telling myself that I won't need these things in the Kingdom of Heaven. In fact I don't even need them in this decrepit world of death. What's the point?

Ooh, ooh! I know the answer to this one. Buy stuff, look cute, fulfill some some fallen "need" to be accepted. As if clothing would bring acceptance. "Hey, I like her skirt, and those boots are fantastic! Maybe I should marry her!" Yea. WRONG. And then old-man-Kala and I spent $40 that doesn't even belong to me- $40 that could have been put towards building a ministry or contributing to my church.

OK, I have trouble with man-pleasing and Kala-pleasing. Enough already. God is showing me how fleeting all these things are. And my pastor is right when he says there's a sense of urgency. People die everyday. Where is my place in the Kingdom of God on earth?

So here's this urgency with souls on the line, and there I am gallivanting around town, tossing money at cashiers like I'm going to die tomorrow. When truth be told (I should like to think), if I actually were going to die tomorrow, I'd be shouting from the rooftops of the precious blood spilled to SAVE YOU.

Wow. It's official. I suck.

And to top off the official state of suckdom, here's this beautiful cashier with eyes calling out for rescue, a smile that's seen better times, and a customer (me) who knows the Truth that can set her free.

And then I want to let her know that she is loved, that she doesn't have to run, and that what she's been looking for has been right in front of her all the time. So I'm battling my mind, or my spirit or something else, and making excuses as to why it would be inappropriate to just let her have it right there in the middle of her work-place.

Wait a second, am I really fighting against this army that I claim to want to be a part of? Way to go, Kala. Way to go.

So I didn't say anything . But instead, I was real nice to her, told myself that my kind words made it all better. Yea, I told her I hoped she had a great day. As if by anything I hoped for her day to become could save her soul and give God his Glory, when the Glory of God was nowhere to be found. I couldn't even say God bless you. And did it make me feel better? Uh. Of course not.

So, man-pleasing.

I've got to let God break me of it. And He's showing me how to make room for Him in there, it's just taking me a little longer than I had hoped to let Him in do to His thing. But I'm aware of it's consequences on my spirit, and on the souls of others. The more aware I become, the more Glory God will get because I will be unable to help screaming it from the rooftops. I cannot stop this. I will submit to the Lord my God and he will be my courage and my strength. And out of all these ashes, beauty will rise; AND IT WILL BE SOONER THAN I THINK.