thoughts and a little bit of testimony

Faith without works is dead. And I've been told not to let my feelings lead me; but isn't that how God speaks? OK I already know the answer to this; I'm just being stubborn. But know this; if I can't exactly hear Him, (supposedly) and I really cannot see Him (supposedly), I can feel Him. Sometimes, anyway...I guess. I don't know. Yes I do. I do know. I'm lead by what he impresses upon me to feel. Which is good for the most part, sometimes... I think.

And yes I cannot rely on that alone, because I'm fallen and it's my emotions and their consequences that get in the way of hearing from God. And faith without works is dead. So where exactly is the line. As if there were, on one side, created emotions stirred by a fallen world, a dead man and a spiritual battle and then on the other side there is God-sent impressions meant to move us into obedience and encouragement. So what does this line look like, and would I know if I were walking right over it? See my dilemma. Since I'm going to be doing God's work (yes I AM), I'm going to need to know these things. And I'm going to need to know that I really know. Because again, faith without works is dead. So I want to stay in the boundaries of the line that God has provided for me. Question: how do I know if I'm doing it right? Answer: I won't know and I'll fall probably a lot more than I fly at first; but I'm going to keep my eyes on the One whom it's all for. That's it. Keep my eyes on Him. This is not about me, for all my life, it was never about me.

I don't care if you don't understand what I'm talking about. It'd be nice, though. Then I wouldn't feel so alone. OK; I'm not alone. SEE. Did you see that right there? There's that feeling thing. The wrong kind of feeling. I'm over the line and into enemy territory. Back up, Kala. The never-ending battle for my mind rages on.

Today, the war in my veins tries to take back the grounds it had footed before I met Him. No, I mean REALLY met him. See, I met Him once, as a child. He came to me; offered to carry anything I'd be willing to give to Him. "Thanks Jesus" I said, "I'll keep that in mind".

And I looked at Him a few times, told Him I loved Him because it made me feel good. Hey, I even accepted Him as my savior; whatever that meant. And I left Him in some realm of reality that didn't seem to fit in with the only one I knew.

I turned my eyes from the blood pouring out to ransom my slowly but inevitably dying soul; to more comforting things that didn't require such responsibility. I didn't find the suggestion that I live for some One other than myself as comforting as the prospect of instant gratification. I mean, didn't that feel better? Feel. There's that word again.

And my eyes saw, but they did not see. And my ears heard but they did not hear. So I left Him hanging there on a cross, bleeding and forgotten. But He never forgot about me. And He stayed there, on that cross; dying for me while simultaneously mourning because I wouldn't accept Life. And he pleaded my case to the Father because that's how much He loved me. He pleaded forgiveness on my life by offering His own. And really and truly had I known what I was doing I would have thrown myself at the foot of that cross, sacrificed my very life to give Him the only comfort I know how to give Him; my life.

But I turned and I never really looked back. Of course, I talked about Him here and there. Prayed to the Father when I needed Him to hear something. And I probably smiled real big thinking there was someone out there willing to die for me. You know; all those words I read in a big old book that I didn't understand; and that couldn't have possibly been written for me.

And I don't know at exactly what age I turned my back on my first love. I don't even know if I was ever fully facing Him. What I do know, is that I didn't make a place in the front of my life for Him.

And I looked everywhere for something else to replace Him with. As I got older, it came in different forms. My idols came in the form of rebellion, vanity, music, friends, manipulation, alcohol and boyfriends. And as they say, nothing I found would ever fill that God-shaped hole in my life. None, except Emmanuel.

And it didn't happen all at once. He began shining His light in to the dark areas of my life; exposing them and cleaning them up. He replaced my music with His. He told me I was beautiful and I believed Him. He somehow coerced others Jesus followers into being friends with a little soul like mine. He showed me that I would never find acceptance by rebelling. He said, "I love you because of who you are, not just because I'm supposed to."

Hook, line & sinker. And now, my eyes see and my ears hear and I will never be the same. And even when I cannot feel Life, I know that I am still Living. And even when the darkness hides the light from me, I know that it is still burning. I never knew Life like this.

I am not alone, never alone. And now my blood belongs to Him because He bought it with His own.

And after it all, the war is still raging in these veins. But I have taken up arms. I come with a mighty warrior leading the way. And He shined a light for me when it was too dark to see. He carried me when I was too tired to walk. He stood up for me when I was too weak to fight. And He died for me so that I could live.