Monday, August 23, 2010

brb ;)

I will be taking a brief hiatus here as well as my facebook in order to make more room for God. Not only from writing but also from commenting and reading others' blogs as well.

As they say, too much of a good thing is not a good thing at all. I'll be back when God releases me from this obedience.

Sunday, August 22, 2010


I cannot begin my musings without describing the fear I have of the Lord. It would make sense to say that my mind understands that the very touch of God can take a life from its body and command it into eternal rest. Yes, I have read and heard. But my eyes have never seen such power taking form through a physical experience. To tell you that knowing these things scares me would be accurate but that is not it's end. And to say that my own mind has an affect on the physical response of my body is also true. But sheerly coming into the presence of this power, knowing that the same power which rose Christ from the dead is flowing through me and running wild in my blood; to feel that power shakes me to my very core. The power calls my heart-beat wild, in alignment with the heartbeat of heaven. Some of this fear is good and is poured from Truth. But something, a different kind of fear, blocks my soul from Oneness. It encourages a fight within me to resist. I do NOT want to resist. I do not mean to contradict the content of these words, that is the fallen man inside.

Who am I to know such presence? My frail body cannot handle it, but every part of it screams for more. Is this the normal Christian life?

I've wasted so many years cursing my body and my soul with depravity, all the while ignorance chained me to darkness (with the help of a few of his friends). But redemption waited so patiently for me as my bood cried out for restoration. The war raged in my veins until His timing was revealed and the angels praised Him as I was made new. And that is when I saw Him. My warrior prince was waiting. His arms reached out to help me up from myself and onto the back of His white horse. Cheesy? Probably. But nothing makes my heart beat wilder (besides the firey presence of God) than the thought of the One on the white horse, coming to redeem my blood by shedding His own. I will finish with this: The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Get some.

Friday, August 20, 2010


Words fail me. I am so small and God reigns. I am so small but I shine for God. I must shine for Him, and if I do not, Lord teach me how. And I cannot stand how big God is, in a beautiful and marvelous, thunderous sort of way. Literally, I can not stand it. I must have Him. This life is nothing and He, He is everything. EVERYTHING.

And must it be now that I should spend eight hours of my tiny life at this job, oh this job; AT A TIME LIKE THIS. Hello!... People! This is an emergency. The Creator of the universe wants me. ... me? ME! Sorry job, I've got bigger fish to fry.

My spirit yearns. I don't like to use the word yearn. It sounds funny, like yeast or burn. But it is the best way to describe this restless desire. This longing. I've felt it before but never like this. He is calling and I am rising. And I fly with Him. I cannot wait, but only to wait on God. I must have Him.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


The world looks different today, and yesterday even. And I’m not talking about the kind of different that happens when one’s been through something that ought to change his outlook, or skew his perception of reality. Not this kind, this kind that I’ve felt before and even written about.

But a different kind. Truly, it is, and in a very strange way. Like I’m looking out from my body but I’m sort of set apart from it. It’s strange, and I cannot think of a better word to illustrate this impression. Almost like a welcome shift in equilibrium. And I can’t tell if my soul is making itself separate because that’s what I’ve been asking or if my balance is off. It’s difficult for me to make myself aware in confidence of what I go through on my journey.

Mostly because I’ve never experienced it before. But also because no one’s ever told me how. No one but Jesus. And I’m so fallen and sinful that I should think I’m unworthy of hearing Him. But Jesus says I am.

Fortunately, it’s been made quite clear as of late that I can do nothing good and fruitful without Him. So to look at this logically, when I regard of myself doing good in the name of the Christ it is truly because the Christ lives in me. And it is He that uses my vessel for His Kingdom. It is He, not I. So, I have chosen Him and He has chosen me. And I maintain my belief that He is in me. Therefore my faith has sowed a seed inside of my own soul that I can and will be used by Him in any way He chooses. All because He lives here, and I believe. I can come unto His presence when I am made holy. If He died for me, I am made Holy. If He lives in me, I am made holy. If I am obedient, I am made holy. I am holy as He is holy. Because Jesus says I am.

The Lord commands

, “Be holy because I, the Lord your God am holy” Leviticus 19:1

“Consecrate yourselves and be holy” Leviticus 20:7”

“You are to be holy to me because I, the Lord, am holy and have set you apart from the nations to be my own” Leviticus 20:26.

So, Leviticus. If the men and women of the Old Testament could be made holy by keeping decrees and following them, certainly we of the 21st century are made holy through true faith and the saving grace of Jesus Christ, our atonement child.

Thursday, August 12, 2010


I feel more than I think one ought to feel at certain times and often long to feel it when it’s gone. But not here. I don't want for it here. Here, feelings flow abundant. Clean air mixed with flowing thought. Beautiful airways and open atmosphere dancing 'round my skin. Fresh emotion running wild.

I should think one day I’ll live in a town like this. A small town with God, where the livin’s easy. And I’d enjoy waking with the sun, and praying and worshiping and delighting in what He made for me. I’d sit on my oversized wraparound porch sipping coffee or hot chocolate, and relishing in God in me. Smiling at the ease and peace of His presence. And then pondering how to get more of it. I’d go for evening walks and I’d rest on the grass staring up at the stars, my personalized picture of hope, painted clearly in the night sky. And God would rest there staring back at me. And I would smile because I know He is near.

No new revelation today, just God. God all the time. God in me. Learning to be loved is tough, and learning to be loved by the King of all of creation seems an impossibility, but He’s teaching me and I am open. I’m learning to be LOVE too. I think that might be even tougher…being love in this fallen world when so many things beckon me away from love. Hate, rejection, bitterness; pain, condemnation, misunderstanding. No. Love. If not me, then who? God in me. Yes. Then love. Check. It seems so simple. Yeah ... seems.

Here is what I know. I want Him and nothing more. More than my next breath, He rises to become the King of my entire body, spirit, soul. My King, my Love.

Thursday, August 5, 2010


I'm coming to a new place and an understanding. It is one that at times I think I understand, but truly never will.

But that all fades as I dance with my God, and then I find myself pushing my thoughts away. I can see myself literally climbing out of my mind. New perspective. And it feels strange and magnificent for lack of a truer word.

God whispered that I was beautiful and that I had no idea how much He loved me that Thursday night, weeks ago. How was I to know how quickly he would begin showing me? It's like He's been screaming it from the Heavens, I love you. You were made for this. You were made for Me. Can't you see? Now. See. And I am hearing it for the first time. Only now I can see. As if He were showing me my worth.

And he's been opening me all along. I was praying last night deep and wide. I saw different things but I can't be sure I was open enough to see, or if my own pattern of thinking was simply running wild. I saw what seemed to be a huge boulder engulfed by an even bigger mountain. Pressure was building behind the boulder and it was quickly pushed out by rushing water. And then I saw a wall built of bricks. The bricks were being pushed out one at a time by an unknown pressure. It is these walls, this separation that I've felt for a long time but the Truth is, nothing can keep me separated. And now I see.

And then, I became acutely aware of the many drowning moments in my life led by a single voice telling me, You are alone. No one cares for you. You are not worth getting to know. I could see middle school girls looking straight through my outcries for love. Ironic that my invisibility is all I could see. I couldn't recall any specific instances. Only the way it felt. And then as if no time had passed, I felt God standing behind that young girl. He who never left me. He who always saw me, and He who loved me anyway. It was always Him. Always His love I cried out for. But it took a different form for that young girl. I was Never alone. It was always Him.

And so I kept saying, "It's you, it has always been You." So I was set free from my invisibility last night. I was set free from my inadequacies and rejection because true adoption and true love comes from the Father.

Oh my God, How You love me.