Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Written on 6/21

Convicted as I was on Sunday, I decidedly went to drown my thought process at the pool after church. But it's what happened before the pool that should be told. Lets back up. What I felt in church that day was a sort of beautiful recognition of a loss I had been walking through. It hit me immediately. The past couple of weeks have been filled with hints of truth, but lacking in obedience. If I am speaking freely, I have been tired and annoyed and simple-minded. These that call me away from my First Love. How could this have happened?

At church that day I felt the the Holy Spirit calling me to obedience and prayer, of vigilance and watchfulness. Such things that are necessary for every Christ-follower, these things that were seemingly lacking from me recently. What's more, every Thursday, the church has a time for seekers to come forth and pray and worship He that is worthy. I had not been in over a month. Maybe two? I had lost count. Although I knew I was missing out on receiving God, that which I chose deliberately to do. And God meets individuals where they are on Thursdays at that old garage-of-a-building. That building which is old, and rigid (if a building could be rigid), sweltering and unattractive. God loves it there. And I love meeting God there. And it was as though God was whispering to me, I am here waiting for you. Take me. Why don't you take me? Thursdays are now reserved for God at One Fellowship (http://www.onefellowshipchurch.com/).

And its a beautiful thing when one finds himself convicted. When the voice of God breaks through the deafness and man discovers how hopeless he truly is without God. Because it is then that God is whispering, Finally beloved. Finally you can hear me. How I've missed you, come Follow Me.

And its beautiful and tragic, but not lonely, because God's presence can be felt so strongly by the convicted man's heart that his mind ought to think nothing else should matter for the rest of his life, nothing but remedying this separation from God.

And I knew if I went to the pool that day that His presence would soon cease, and the feeling wouldn't permeate the way it did when it was necessary. So rather than spend time with God while He was near, I went to the pool for simple-minded entertainment, leaving more disappointed in myself than I had been all day.

Because, see, I have a sort of theory, that in order to feel oneness with God in His presence, walls must be torn down or removed. It is then we can hear He that desires us most audibly. Every time, there are walls that must be torn down. And it's very hard to do that when surrounded by others who are not experiencing oneness with God. This is because, coincidently they aid in laying the bricks on the walls permitting separation. And even their own personal walls can block God's voice and presence from others.

I knew that's what I would be doing by going to the pool that afternoon. And I went anyway.
How I wish I had not gone, and went home to spend time with God. What would he have taught me that day?

Well, I think he taught me exactly what I needed, what He had planned.

I believe that the stronger a man's desire for a thing, his obedience for it will consequently be able to deliver him or break down walls that couldn't otherwise be broken. That is what faith is all about. And that is the importance of obedience.

Friday, June 11, 2010


Days like these, I long for love. The kind that whispers comfort and relief when I feel this way. As if loneliness creeps in and instills a dull throbbing, constantly reminding me that I have been abandoned. But I’m not and I know it. But I want a love and to know it’s mine. And then it becomes harder to wait on God’s plan because I frantically attempt to peer in anticipation to the future God has planned for me.

Am I a dreamer? And why do people put my God in a box? As if to say, “Silly girl, look at her, she thinks God could do that for her. Poor thing, just leave her alone,” leaving me open-hearted but empty-handed. Like my very future had just been ripped from the tight grasp of my fingers that I had only just recently realized. And then what remains is a soft feeling of what just was on the tips of my fingers. And it seems like it's still there but it's only a memory. A little girl, disappointed as if the world should suddenly stop spinning because hers exists no longer.

Yes, I’d like to think I’m a dreamer, but that’s exactly how God made me. I can see His Hand in my life, just the way He made me to. And I cannot wait for life. Sometimes I watch pictures in my head of what I dream in anticipation. And my God, He never quite lets me realizes my plans and sometimes, sometimes the realization that marks reality is beyond the dreams I ever could have imagined.

All this, but yes I have boundaries and limits and expectations for myself and my future, and I won’t submit to less than God has for me. But, I do not have boundaries for my God. And Jesus walks with me every day and I can feel him most days. Call me a dreamer but living a life obedient to The Call feels more real than any day I’ve already lived.

Friday, June 4, 2010


Proverbs sings to me, 3:13 Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding. 3:15 Nothing you desire can compare with her 3:18 She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her. 4:2 The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.

I don’t know at what point in my life God showed me the way to her and I am still seeking, and maybe it was there all along, but I, the fool, too foolish to find her. Here is what I know, that I was asleep but have awoken, lost now found, dead now full of Life. And I believe that the spirit of wisdom is close to me and I have begun to realize its existence. But then death knocks again, everyday it knocks again and I find it difficult to hold her branches so I lose my grip and I’m left the same fool I always was only different because I know better. Thus presenting greater a fool for losing what I found than for losing what I never knew existed. But the call remains to get Wisdom at any required cost and I am left wanting because I am falling on my own, losing Him and then He calls to me,

‘Never lose sight of me. I am Wisdom and I will never leave you, only you must find Me. Don’t let the distractions in your ‘reality’ hinder you from finding Me, from finding Wisdom. A fool cannot find Me but the humble know the secret place to seek. Like wave-lengths or frequencies. The proud cannot hear but the humble will find the Way.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I woke today to find that my 25th birthday is four days from this date and the wedding of my close friend will be here in two (days). And life doesn't slow for anyone. And I've been working diligently with the children finding wonder in their eyes and need in their souls and praying my God to give them what they need. And now I have a place to rest my head in my own peace and I can find whatever I look for there, except sometimes time escapes me and then I neglect the only peace I need to find.

So my birthday waits for me, and time does not. And all I want to do is be at peace and spend time with my God, and all I want is Him to give me the desire and never take it back. This weekend will be busy but I pray for peace and remembrance of what it's all for.

His Princess

His Princess

It is with a full heart I write words on this page, fresh with the Spirit and new in time that was Planned to fill me. I’ve been waiting and wondering and not knowing, but my time has come. I’m free to be still. I am free to be still. The presence of the Spirit lingers infinite, and I begin to drink. I beckon the Knowledge, simple as God intended. I sit in the room and wait for the presence and trust in Him, He comes. And God motions me to indulge in Him, and he indulges Himself in me and I cannot ask for more. It is the desire of God to be still with us, written countless times in His word for me. Countless times for me. And I can feel it gone when I neglect my God, and I don’t quite feel like myself. Myself is gone because He is gone. And I never want to be gone. 25 years of life is gone and I’ve been gone all along but I am ready now. 25 years I've been gone but He's never been gone from His princess. Diligent and I am ready though I fall again. I am ready. What can I do for you my God?

25 years of depravity. 25 years of sin. 25 years of darkness. 25 years of Love. 25 years of Forgiveness. 25 years of Grace. 25 years of Life. 25 years, His princess.

Fill me now, and I will be still for You.