Dreamer

Days like these, I long for love. The kind that whispers comfort and relief when I feel this way. As if loneliness creeps in and instills a dull throbbing, constantly reminding me that I have been abandoned. But I’m not and I know it. But I want a love and to know it’s mine. And then it becomes harder to wait on God’s plan because I frantically attempt to peer in anticipation to the future God has planned for me.

Am I a dreamer? And why do people put my God in a box? As if to say, “Silly girl, look at her, she thinks God could do that for her. Poor thing, just leave her alone,” leaving me open-hearted but empty-handed. Like my very future had just been ripped from the tight grasp of my fingers that I had only just recently realized. And then what remains is a soft feeling of what just was on the tips of my fingers. And it seems like it's still there but it's only a memory. A little girl, disappointed as if the world should suddenly stop spinning because hers exists no longer.

Yes, I’d like to think I’m a dreamer, but that’s exactly how God made me. I can see His Hand in my life, just the way He made me to. And I cannot wait for life. Sometimes I watch pictures in my head of what I dream in anticipation. And my God, He never quite lets me realizes my plans and sometimes, sometimes the realization that marks reality is beyond the dreams I ever could have imagined.

All this, but yes I have boundaries and limits and expectations for myself and my future, and I won’t submit to less than God has for me. But, I do not have boundaries for my God. And Jesus walks with me every day and I can feel him most days. Call me a dreamer but living a life obedient to The Call feels more real than any day I’ve already lived.