Love supernatural, and I feel as though I could break open from the touch of the Spirit. Just the way He knew it would feel. And it’s strange to reason that I might could fall in love with the character of so many people at any uncertain time until I became conscious that it is not love for this person. This person who is wretched and vile. It is love for the Christ I see seeping out like blood from a wound. I want to bleed this Blood. Curious love. I want to bleed this Blood. And like Blood from a wound, scores of those in our nation may be moved to discomfort by this Blood seeping out, this supernatural Love seeping out. But I fall in Love with this Blood seeping out. Wound me, that I may Bleed it, too.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Now left behind, calm, reminiscent of the fury that just was. Provoking thought wild and call of Duty. Teaching obedience to His troubled brood. And then he releases command against raging wind and passionate Sea, leaving life still. The sweet calm that remains motions her to submission, leaving pieces of earth not meant for life outside the Sea.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I do not believe in coincidence. I believe that meticulous planning is involved in our lives before we live them. That we may fulfill the Call by the One who created them. Recently, Hannah, my dear friend and I were discussing the quandaries and the nature of our God.
She suggested that He delights in all the little things he has done to create in us a future for His glory. “He cannot wait,” she went on, “for us to find out all the little things He’s done and for us to recognize His Hand in it all.” Can you see it? God, smiling in anticipation, to watch His story unfold by the lives he has intertwined. No, I do not believe in coincidence. God molds and creates His children and creates them for a purpose.
Recently I found a journal written during a dark time a little more than three years ago. A time of obscurity and disobedience. A time a sheep had wandered too far to hear the Sheppard’s call. This entry found a sheep yearning for her Master who had begun showing her the path back to Himself. I found words written in desperate petition to God, crying for passion. I retrieved the feeling behind the words on the page. “I do not feel passion for anything God. I do not feel worth. I am lost. Give me your passion and give me purpose Lord, bring me back to You.”
Today I have become aware of a different person writing different words, with different feelings behind them. I find myself feeling more than I could have ever imagined a person could feel. I feel a burden for the hurting. I cry tears for the lost. The passion I have is immeasurable.
Reading the words I had written during such a time of darkness and recognizing them in me now, transformed for His glory beckons me to realize His faithfulness. He heard my petition and he answered. I will not stop until I bring Him glory. I pray He continually allow me to acknowledge His works in my life, that I may take pleasure in His Hand, and he may delight in my wonder. There is no such thing as coincidence.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
I woke yesterday with a longing. And it beats like a pulse in my veins that I can only feel, which is the only evidence that suggests it even exists.
And then there are times like this morning. Such times that I don’t feel at all. And the longing is still there, but seeks its peace from a different suitor. No pulse in my body that was once full of Life. No pulse.
And the evidence that holds me, no longer has a force that I can believe in.
Faith, He whispers, just faith. But it feels like the golden chords carrying me have somehow come undone, like a siren calling me towards reckless abandon.
And it is during this volatile time that I discover how frantic this pulse becomes within me. Frantic, irregular and wild. Only this world has rendered me less sensitive of its existence.
How far will you go? I am still here. I am working in and for you in ways you cannot know. I have not left you. I never leave you. I have been holding you even when you knew Me not, for I knew the time would come. Faith, child. Faith.
Even when I cannot feel Life, I know that I am still Living. Even when the darkness hides the light from me, I know it is still burning. But it can never be hidden, only I am not looking hard enough. And in these times of longing, it is I who have stopped searching.
But God still has the key to the lock. The lock attaching the chords to my heart. And it looks like a tiny piece of glitter in his big brilliant hand. And its times like these that make God’s promise real. Because Jesus went before me, and I must go too. I will suffer, and I will be separated in order that I may find matrimony with the King.
All else must fade, and then you will find Me.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Inspiration is sort of a funny thing. And I’ve been feeling it gone from me lately, but also I’ve been feeling gone from Him. But I’m feeling Him again already, though it’s never soon enough. And then it dawned on me that Inspiration in its true form is God speaking to me, giving me Words. So I take these perfect words given to and from the Spirit in me, and then with the human form of me I filter them and flow them into words on paper and of course they end up tainted by the very flesh used to write them down.
But here, the point remains that God uses each of us in different fashions and I’m still discovering all He has for me and all that I can do for Him and for His glory. Uncovering new mysteries about my dear sweet Love and His Love for me is beautiful.
And I find myself walking so tall and delighted with wonder, and if I’m not careful, I forget what my life was like without Him. Which then ruptures the mystery altogether, leaving me prideful and untouchable. And an untouchable Christian seems no Christian at all. So then God reminds me of who I am without Him, and because of this separation I become stripped of my joy and my confidence, forcing me to be reminiscent of a life before obedience to my God. It seems an unnecessary consequence that could be remedied should I remind myself who God is and who I am, and by spending time with the most important Person in my life. Note to self: God is your Sovereign, begin and end each day with Him, call on him during the afternoon. Listen for Him all the hours of the day. He wants to help you, all you must do is let Him. I am a daughter of the King. I am His princess. He longs for me as I long for Him. He is jealous for me and I am in love with Him.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Loneliness is the affliction that encourages these walls I’ve built. Slowly insinuating my thoughts. Gently whispering that I am alone on my walk. Keeping me separate from my King. And then I start to forget the death that Jesus died. The nails drove in his hands. The blood my Love has bled. What is this? Who am I?
My King has paid my ransom. There is no greater Love than this, that a man lay down His life for his friend. How could I ever be alone? And as if I had been kidnapped from his loving Hands, He ransomed me. But kidnap? No. It is I who have wandered on my own . And I have been enticed by lies and danced with manipulation. I have indulged my very captor. Creating walls of separation from my Love. This separation that began with birth, nurtured by sin and lies. Cultivated in place with ready hands. I did not know. I did not know the momentum my behavior would construct; this separation with due cause. And the more I built, the deafer I have become.
So I pray now. And I continue to tear down the walls with my God and pray he permeate my deafness. Pray Him to teach me how to break them, teach me how to keep them gone. To teach me how to hear His voice again. My God is so faithful.
I am never alone.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
His yoke is easy, his burden is light.
God whispers through intense heaviness, pleading with me. It is Mine, give it to Me. Unfortunate is the occasion when I do not hear my Lord, for the weight is too much to break my focus. All because I am fallen and nothing without his Word. But how delightful it is when God magnifies His whisper to captivate my audible crying soul. He breaks through the hindrance tied to my back.
I felt it today, at work with the little ones. When internal affairs threatened to destruct my vocation. The heaviness that weighed on me presented more profoundly as the sun rose and began its descent. I indulged myself rather than submit to my God, and left with the sun as the weight took its toll.
I debated heavily in my car. Tired as I was, I decided for peace that only God can bring. Rather than drive to the place that I rest, I ended up at the place I rest in God. Sweet, sweet church. Strange how God moves in the body. Strange and beautiful. The place I run for peace, instead bore heaviness and weight. Weight of the same nature which God was calling me to renounce. Agitated, I felt the weight of the souls in the room, and pleaded my God, may it be removed. Yes my God is faithful. Quickly, thick yoke became easy. Quickly, this burden, light. Quickly, how quickly the body was convicted. The end of a beautiful night.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” — Ephesians 5:1
I wasn’t going to post this on the internet. But then I read this verse and thought it wrong for me not to. I wrote this a couple of months ago. I posted this before but made some changes and need to post again.
I think it important to document the extraordinary encounters God has allowed me to bear witness. Working with a ministry devoted to doing God’s work has been a true blessing for me and has facilitated a growth in my faith and my walk that I never imagined possible. Not in my entire life. Over the past few months I have been witness to the Holy Spirit deliver many people from the evil forces that inhabit this earth.
Spiritual warfare is something I have always been somewhat aware of, but the degree of my understanding has until recently been elementary. There are forces present in this world that cannot be seen with the fallen man’s eye. These forces are often met with ignorance and little resistance because we are so unaware of their presence.
I have seen the consequences of such forces in the form of deep suffering, depravity, and bondage, these things that the enemy hand-delivers.
It is a scary thing, the unknown. Hidden away. Like the deepest secret you think no one can ever infiltrate. Until eventually repercussions begin to show themselves, and the results can no more be hidden than the light that shines from the sun.
And these results are obvious consequences from something ingrained far deeper than what is visible; a secret no one knows, a thing you can’t see.
For as long as I can remember I experienced irrational fear of what was unknown to me, these forces.
I’ve often described them as this:
I am in the middle of an ocean, on a dark night. While I am able to keep my head above the dark, rough waters, I am aware of all the possibilities of creatures creeping beneath me. Ones that I can’t see, but they see me. I don’t know what they are. There could be few, there could be many. They could be near or far. There might not be anything at all. All I know is that I am struggling to breathe. I want to stop moving. So they can’t feel the motion of the water I am creating. The more I struggle, the more ripples I create. I want to disappear. I want to shrink down to nothing. It’s very vulnerable out here. And I am terrified.
Now. It is important to note that I no longer carry this burden. I do not dwell in this ocean any longer, for my ocean is one filled with light and hope, grace and forgiveness, love and redemption. And I hope to write more about that later. Perhaps I will start from the beginning.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
I gave up restaurants for lent. No, I’m not catholic. But I am Christian, and I believe in feeling desperate for God in times of sacrifice in order to strengthen the desire and relationship through and for Jesus Christ. I don’t remember when lent began. All I know is that I was 2 days late, but as we all know, better to be late than to not be at all. So why restaurants? Well, anyone who knows me knows that I love to eat. I love greasy, fattening, disgusting foods that no one should enjoy quite like I do. I used to eat out more than anyone I know. What better way to show god my sacrifice than with something I would actively miss, everyday?
But the most wonderful part is, I haven’t missed it as much as I feared I would. While there have been a few moments of desperation, the Lord my God hath sustained me, just as he always does.
So one thing God has shown me recently are the things I want to become. It’s like He’s letting me peek a little more in to my self, as His bride, slowly and gently so that I may understand.
I know that I want to be a woman that a man of God would want. Now that may sound simple, and perhaps it is, but it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve truly realized what it means to me and for my life. It means selfless sacrifice for the acceptance of love so that the grace and mercy of God can save my life by the blood of Jesus Christ. Oh, how he loves us.