Friday, May 28, 2010

Love supernatural, and I feel as though I could break open from the touch of the Spirit. Just the way He knew it would feel. And it’s strange to reason that I might could fall in love with the character of so many people at any uncertain time until I became conscious that it is not love for this person. This person who is wretched and vile. It is love for the Christ I see seeping out like blood from a wound. I want to bleed this Blood. Curious love. I want to bleed this Blood. And like Blood from a wound, scores of those in our nation may be moved to discomfort by this Blood seeping out, this supernatural Love seeping out. But I fall in Love with this Blood seeping out. Wound me, that I may Bleed it, too.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Musings of a Storm Oceanside

The ocean on a stormy eve is not a typical planned escape, but seems designed to call its audience to reflection. Salty air twists wildly in front of my face. Raging warm air and cool whispers of salt breathe life to my once deadened thoughts. The musings of a storm Oceanside, rather, provide a sense known not to those without it. This is God. He calls the waves wild, releasing them in intervals consigned to His Hands. Watch mere life tremble by the Call. The contrast of the sky and the deep sea moves to panic. Awareness made pure by the storm.

Now left behind, calm, reminiscent of the fury that just was. Provoking thought wild and call of Duty. Teaching obedience to His troubled brood. And then he releases command against raging wind and passionate Sea, leaving life still. The sweet calm that remains motions her to submission, leaving pieces of earth not meant for life outside the Sea.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


I do not believe in coincidence. I believe that meticulous planning is involved in our lives before we live them. That we may fulfill the Call by the One who created them. Recently, Hannah, my dear friend and I were discussing the quandaries and the nature of our God.

She suggested that He delights in all the little things he has done to create in us a future for His glory. “He cannot wait,” she went on, “for us to find out all the little things He’s done and for us to recognize His Hand in it all.” Can you see it? God, smiling in anticipation, to watch His story unfold by the lives he has intertwined. No, I do not believe in coincidence. God molds and creates His children and creates them for a purpose.

Recently I found a journal written during a dark time a little more than three years ago. A time of obscurity and disobedience. A time a sheep had wandered too far to hear the Sheppard’s call. This entry found a sheep yearning for her Master who had begun showing her the path back to Himself. I found words written in desperate petition to God, crying for passion. I retrieved the feeling behind the words on the page. “I do not feel passion for anything God. I do not feel worth. I am lost. Give me your passion and give me purpose Lord, bring me back to You.”

Today I have become aware of a different person writing different words, with different feelings behind them. I find myself feeling more than I could have ever imagined a person could feel. I feel a burden for the hurting. I cry tears for the lost. The passion I have is immeasurable.

Reading the words I had written during such a time of darkness and recognizing them in me now, transformed for His glory beckons me to realize His faithfulness. He heard my petition and he answered. I will not stop until I bring Him glory. I pray He continually allow me to acknowledge His works in my life, that I may take pleasure in His Hand, and he may delight in my wonder. There is no such thing as coincidence.

Monday, May 24, 2010

This man

A woman longing for Life in a world of depravity is best suited with a man who is able to understand this need within her. To understand that at any given moment, she should hope to leave him and all the world behind in order that she may bring the Lord His glory.

This man will desire to bring his bride close to Wholeness with God, without judgment or disdain. This man will not be condescending to her, but rather soft and gentle about her misguided ignorance. This man will be humble about his success, and would seek no crown. For nothing in him alone is good or deserving. This man will find hope in his suffering. This man will search for beauty in his pain. This man will be hated by his friends, but loved by Jesus. This man will lift up his bride, lift her when she can no longer stand. He would never dream of treating her unkind. Of giving her the anger of the world to carry on her back. And she will never stand alone. This man will delight in treating his bride with love and kindness. This man will revel in her crinkled nose when she smiles and think to himself, how beautiful is this? And he will thank His God for little gifts like these. And she will do the same. This man will not see her for her past, but for who she is because of God's redemption. This man is made for me.

Saturday, May 22, 2010


I woke yesterday with a longing. And it beats like a pulse in my veins that I can only feel, which is the only evidence that suggests it even exists.

And then there are times like this morning. Such times that I don’t feel at all. And the longing is still there, but seeks its peace from a different suitor. No pulse in my body that was once full of Life. No pulse.

And the evidence that holds me, no longer has a force that I can believe in.
Faith, He whispers, just faith. But it feels like the golden chords carrying me have somehow come undone, like a siren calling me towards reckless abandon.

And it is during this volatile time that I discover how frantic this pulse becomes within me. Frantic, irregular and wild. Only this world has rendered me less sensitive of its existence.

How far will you go? I am still here. I am working in and for you in ways you cannot know. I have not left you. I never leave you. I have been holding you even when you knew Me not, for I knew the time would come. Faith, child. Faith.

Even when I cannot feel Life, I know that I am still Living. Even when the darkness hides the light from me, I know it is still burning. But it can never be hidden, only I am not looking hard enough. And in these times of longing, it is I who have stopped searching.

But God still has the key to the lock. The lock attaching the chords to my heart. And it looks like a tiny piece of glitter in his big brilliant hand. And its times like these that make God’s promise real. Because Jesus went before me, and I must go too. I will suffer, and I will be separated in order that I may find matrimony with the King.

All else must fade, and then you will find Me.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Who He is and who I am

Inspiration is sort of a funny thing. And I’ve been feeling it gone from me lately, but also I’ve been feeling gone from Him. But I’m feeling Him again already, though it’s never soon enough. And then it dawned on me that Inspiration in its true form is God speaking to me, giving me Words. So I take these perfect words given to and from the Spirit in me, and then with the human form of me I filter them and flow them into words on paper and of course they end up tainted by the very flesh used to write them down.

But here, the point remains that God uses each of us in different fashions and I’m still discovering all He has for me and all that I can do for Him and for His glory. Uncovering new mysteries about my dear sweet Love and His Love for me is beautiful.

And I find myself walking so tall and delighted with wonder, and if I’m not careful, I forget what my life was like without Him. Which then ruptures the mystery altogether, leaving me prideful and untouchable. And an untouchable Christian seems no Christian at all. So then God reminds me of who I am without Him, and because of this separation I become stripped of my joy and my confidence, forcing me to be reminiscent of a life before obedience to my God. It seems an unnecessary consequence that could be remedied should I remind myself who God is and who I am, and by spending time with the most important Person in my life. Note to self: God is your Sovereign, begin and end each day with Him, call on him during the afternoon. Listen for Him all the hours of the day. He wants to help you, all you must do is let Him. I am a daughter of the King. I am His princess. He longs for me as I long for Him. He is jealous for me and I am in love with Him.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Not Alone

Loneliness is the affliction that encourages these walls I’ve built. Slowly insinuating my thoughts. Gently whispering that I am alone on my walk. Keeping me separate from my King. And then I start to forget the death that Jesus died. The nails drove in his hands. The blood my Love has bled. What is this? Who am I?

My King has paid my ransom. There is no greater Love than this, that a man lay down His life for his friend. How could I ever be alone? And as if I had been kidnapped from his loving Hands, He ransomed me. But kidnap? No. It is I who have wandered on my own . And I have been enticed by lies and danced with manipulation. I have indulged my very captor. Creating walls of separation from my Love. This separation that began with birth, nurtured by sin and lies. Cultivated in place with ready hands. I did not know. I did not know the momentum my behavior would construct; this separation with due cause. And the more I built, the deafer I have become.

So I pray now. And I continue to tear down the walls with my God and pray he permeate my deafness. Pray Him to teach me how to break them, teach me how to keep them gone. To teach me how to hear His voice again. My God is so faithful.

I am never alone.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

His yoke is easy, his burden is light

His yoke is easy, his burden is light.

God whispers through intense heaviness, pleading with me. It is Mine, give it to Me. Unfortunate is the occasion when I do not hear my Lord, for the weight is too much to break my focus. All because I am fallen and nothing without his Word. But how delightful it is when God magnifies His whisper to captivate my audible crying soul. He breaks through the hindrance tied to my back.

I felt it today, at work with the little ones. When internal affairs threatened to destruct my vocation. The heaviness that weighed on me presented more profoundly as the sun rose and began its descent. I indulged myself rather than submit to my God, and left with the sun as the weight took its toll.

I debated heavily in my car. Tired as I was, I decided for peace that only God can bring. Rather than drive to the place that I rest, I ended up at the place I rest in God. Sweet, sweet church. Strange how God moves in the body. Strange and beautiful. The place I run for peace, instead bore heaviness and weight. Weight of the same nature which God was calling me to renounce. Agitated, I felt the weight of the souls in the room, and pleaded my God, may it be removed. Yes my God is faithful. Quickly, thick yoke became easy. Quickly, this burden, light. Quickly, how quickly the body was convicted. The end of a beautiful night.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

On spiritual warfare

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” — Ephesians 5:1

I wasn’t going to post this on the internet. But then I read this verse and thought it wrong for me not to. I wrote this a couple of months ago. I posted this before but made some changes and need to post again.

I think it important to document the extraordinary encounters God has allowed me to bear witness. Working with a ministry devoted to doing God’s work has been a true blessing for me and has facilitated a growth in my faith and my walk that I never imagined possible. Not in my entire life. Over the past few months I have been witness to the Holy Spirit deliver many people from the evil forces that inhabit this earth.

Spiritual warfare is something I have always been somewhat aware of, but the degree of my understanding has until recently been elementary. There are forces present in this world that cannot be seen with the fallen man’s eye. These forces are often met with ignorance and little resistance because we are so unaware of their presence.

I have seen the consequences of such forces in the form of deep suffering, depravity, and bondage, these things that the enemy hand-delivers.

It is a scary thing, the unknown. Hidden away. Like the deepest secret you think no one can ever infiltrate. Until eventually repercussions begin to show themselves, and the results can no more be hidden than the light that shines from the sun.

And these results are obvious consequences from something ingrained far deeper than what is visible; a secret no one knows, a thing you can’t see.

For as long as I can remember I experienced irrational fear of what was unknown to me, these forces.

I’ve often described them as this:

I am in the middle of an ocean, on a dark night. While I am able to keep my head above the dark, rough waters, I am aware of all the possibilities of creatures creeping beneath me. Ones that I can’t see, but they see me. I don’t know what they are. There could be few, there could be many. They could be near or far. There might not be anything at all. All I know is that I am struggling to breathe. I want to stop moving. So they can’t feel the motion of the water I am creating. The more I struggle, the more ripples I create. I want to disappear. I want to shrink down to nothing. It’s very vulnerable out here. And I am terrified.

Now. It is important to note that I no longer carry this burden. I do not dwell in this ocean any longer, for my ocean is one filled with light and hope, grace and forgiveness, love and redemption. And I hope to write more about that later. Perhaps I will start from the beginning.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Truth written by the fingertips of Your children.
Read, fellowship, laugh, grow. Gifts I find in the words.
I so long to hear Your voice. I see it all around me. I feel it.
You love me.
You desire to use me.
I am seeking to break through the silence
and chatter that keeps me from You.
The desire of my heart cries for you. The depravity of my flesh is clinging to death.
You overcome. You overcome. You overcome.
I live.

Monday, May 3, 2010


I listen and I long for the Truth of God. More than I ever knew I was supposed to. I listen and He speaks. Or whispers. Or He just is. Whatever it is that my God does, in His holy and unfathomable way. It's immeasurable to this mind of mine. This simple, curious mind.

And the Truth God gives me is like eye drops to my dry eyes. Like water to calm my ever thirsting tongue. And I can never get enough. The separation has devastated human life, and my soul desperately longs to be with my God. I find Him in simple things. In beautiful things that people often overlook. I find him in the expression of myself, through writing and journaling. It is there I am most at peace. I find him when I'm driving and He reveals something to me that could not be of my mind.

I find him in my mind. I find love and understanding. I find the like-minded obedience and knowledge he has given me in Hannah Rose. I find him in our conversations. In our creativity. In our laughter and our stories. Yes, He really likes to show up there. Oh how I love to find Him. And He loves to find me.

Sunday, May 2, 2010


I have learned what it is to be still, reflect, and listen to God in between the distorted thoughts. Yes, this I have learned but now I must do it and keep it part of routine. That’s the biggest part of my battle. How can I expect for God to grant me wisdom and discernment when I am not meeting him where I am able? Who do I think I am? So here, the cry of my heart remains to become sanctified and remain in the light, to be a light even, and to take every thought captive for the righteousness of my Savior to set free.

I gave up restaurants for lent. No, I’m not catholic. But I am Christian, and I believe in feeling desperate for God in times of sacrifice in order to strengthen the desire and relationship through and for Jesus Christ. I don’t remember when lent began. All I know is that I was 2 days late, but as we all know, better to be late than to not be at all. So why restaurants? Well, anyone who knows me knows that I love to eat. I love greasy, fattening, disgusting foods that no one should enjoy quite like I do. I used to eat out more than anyone I know. What better way to show god my sacrifice than with something I would actively miss, everyday?

But the most wonderful part is, I haven’t missed it as much as I feared I would. While there have been a few moments of desperation, the Lord my God hath sustained me, just as he always does.

So one thing God has shown me recently are the things I want to become. It’s like He’s letting me peek a little more in to my self, as His bride, slowly and gently so that I may understand.

I know that I want to be a woman that a man of God would want. Now that may sound simple, and perhaps it is, but it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve truly realized what it means to me and for my life. It means selfless sacrifice for the acceptance of love so that the grace and mercy of God can save my life by the blood of Jesus Christ. Oh, how he loves us.