But that all fades as I dance with my God, and then I find myself pushing my thoughts away. I can see myself literally climbing out of my mind. New perspective. And it feels strange and magnificent for lack of a truer word.
God whispered that I was beautiful and that I had no idea how much He loved me that Thursday night, weeks ago. How was I to know how quickly he would begin showing me? It's like He's been screaming it from the Heavens, I love you. You were made for this. You were made for Me. Can't you see? Now. See. And I am hearing it for the first time. Only now I can see. As if He were showing me my worth.
And he's been opening me all along. I was praying last night deep and wide. I saw different things but I can't be sure I was open enough to see, or if my own pattern of thinking was simply running wild. I saw what seemed to be a huge boulder engulfed by an even bigger mountain. Pressure was building behind the boulder and it was quickly pushed out by rushing water. And then I saw a wall built of bricks. The bricks were being pushed out one at a time by an unknown pressure. It is these walls, this separation that I've felt for a long time but the Truth is, nothing can keep me separated. And now I see.
And then, I became acutely aware of the many drowning moments in my life led by a single voice telling me, You are alone. No one cares for you. You are not worth getting to know. I could see middle school girls looking straight through my outcries for love. Ironic that my invisibility is all I could see. I couldn't recall any specific instances. Only the way it felt. And then as if no time had passed, I felt God standing behind that young girl. He who never left me. He who always saw me, and He who loved me anyway. It was always Him. Always His love I cried out for. But it took a different form for that young girl. I was Never alone. It was always Him.
And so I kept saying, "It's you, it has always been You." So I was set free from my invisibility last night. I was set free from my inadequacies and rejection because true adoption and true love comes from the Father.
Oh my God, How You love me.
woohooo! This is awesome! I like how you said 'see,' like the SCC song. And I LOVE what you wrote about being the little girl and people seeing straight through you. But, He loved you and that's all that matters. You are His adopted child. I really relate to this because I had extreme feelings of inadequacy growing up, especially in my middle school years. Beautiful post, as always! :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. Walls, rejection, I see similar themes in our lives. Perhaps everyone has these walls. Doesn't it feel good to let them fall down? I was thinking just last night, these walls have fallen down and I have accepted Krystle's love. But then I thought...what if she does eventually reject me? What if it doesn't work out? What if, sometime, she's not there anymore? Will my walls go back up? Will I be back where I started from? And then I thought, I have to feel this inside of myself...I have to accept MYSELF. I can't be satisfied with just "letting her love me," because she is human, and I am human, and we are all imperfect. I can't let my emotional and mental health rest on her shoulders. That is too much of a burden on her, whether she realizes it or not. But I can let it rest on Jesus' shoulders. I can acknowledge that He accepts me as I am. He will gladly take the burden. If I'm being honest, there is still such a seperation in my life between day-to-day things and God. How can I think about spiritual warfare and battles for our souls when I have to get up and go to work in the morning and face life? Is it like the wars overseas? We know they are going on, but there is nothing we can do unless we are a soldier? So we keep on living our lives. It makes me feel guilty when I think about it. I feel lucky to know a soldier like you. If you need a care package, let me know :o)
ReplyDeleteI think spirituality for me will always be a work in progress, and occasionally put on hold, at least until I start noticing that life and spirituality are intertwined. Its one thing to KNOW something...its another thing to use the knowledge.
I am so proud of you. I am so proud to know you. So proud that you picked ME in middle school, that you didn't look through ME. I love you so much Kala. You'll always be like a sister to me. I know in the depths of my heart that everything you say is true, everything you are is because you are supposed to be, and all of is has been and will be connected throughout your life. You are special, you were chosen, and I know this as much as I know the sky is blue.
Kala, Kala, Kala. Yayyyyyyyy!!!! I'm so happy for you!!!!!! God loves Kala, Yes He does!!!! I so want to climb out of my mind too and crawl into Christ's mind which He gave us access to!!! There are many moments in my life where I want to know that I know He was there and accepting me and loving me. Man God is so beautiful, so kind, so loving. Its more than one heart can take!!!
ReplyDeletePapa is getting at some root stuff in me now too. Like He has gotten at stuff before but not at this big childhood root stuff before. I'm not seeing the bigger beautiful picture right now, but I do feel Him getting in there deeper, getting ready to release His medicine: His truth & healing & deliverance & love.
I can see the love of God for you in your post, and it so encourages me cuz I know He loves me too like that and will bring me thru as well. Thanks for sharing some hope and beauty!!!!
You are allowing all of us to see the real you, the you that you've always been deep down. How freeing the process! How beautiful, passionate, and intriguing as Christ woos you closer every day.
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